Posted by Daisym on April 4, 2006, at 11:41:53
In reply to Time for a Pause, posted by daisym on April 3, 2006, at 23:55:35
a "lifetime pass" made me smile and gasp...do I need it for a lifetime?! (I want it, but that is a different story.)
I didn't know I could hurt like this.
I am carrying around this image of me all balled up on my therapist's couch, beyond words, beyond tears, just sitting trying to survive all the pain, not knowing how to let him help me. Or sitting in front of this computer, literally my lifeline at times, and afraid to touch the keys because I don't know what is going to come out.
I discovered a year or more ago that I could love really, really deeply. And with purity. It was amazing to discover this at my age. Now I'm on the flip side and feeling a despair and anguish that takes my breath away. I think I truly understand the term, "Dark Night of the Soul." It isn't heart break...it is soul searing. There is pain in my body that includes a crushing weight on my heart. At times it is hard to breathe. And there are ghosts in my most private parts, feelings that shouldn't be there...should never have been there. It is sad that the most basic human reflexes became painful reminders of the assaults on that young body. The scars run deep. The fear is embedded in the scars. I know we are opening these wounds to clean them so that they can finally heal properly. But like any surgery, there is a risk that the procedure will kill the patient. I think that is happening right now, I hear the oxygen alarms going off. It is up to me to take a breath, and another, and another. But I forget how sometimes...I want to hold my breath against all the pain.
I think the worst part is that as much as it hurts, I want it to hurt. I want my feelings to match the horror in my head. For once, FOR ONCE, it feels like my head and heart are in sync. It might be all bad, but at least it matches. The exhausting confusion has stilled. For now anyway.
I've felt almost this bad before. I think that is why it takes the form of me being curled up in my therapist's office. And it isn't even my favorite office where I see myself. These current feelings are very similar to the ones I had when I first began to get big chunks of memories dropping down. All I wanted to do then was just sit in my therapist's office and absorb his strength and comfort. It was the first time I had a lot of sessions in the "other" office. He told me during that time that it didn't matter what he said, it was the fact that I could hear his voice and feel his presence. And the grief that was coming up was allowed. He didn't shush me or demand that the tears stop. So I wanted to be with him, because I didn't know how to be with all of this alone. And he let me be with him, as much as I needed to be.
The difference is that this time I do know how to be with it alone. I think I'm at a place on this journey where the path narrows and you can only pass single file. And I have to go first. I know he is behind me, and you guys too, so that if I fall on this path, it won't be long before someone finds me and helps me get back up. And being behind me gives me that nudge to keep going forward. If I had to follow, I wouldn't. I couldn't. I can't send someone into the depths of this pain for me, ahead of me. I can't stand the thought of losing someone I care about to this monster.
Yes, that's it. It is monster pain. And monsters hurt people. They get enraged, they roar and destroy without thought. So I need to face the monster alone, to engage it one on one. I'm terrified. I'm not sure I'll win. I probably will need to back up again to find safety among you guys, to get stronger and try this again. And again. And again.
First I have to uncurl from the couch. I have to figure out how. Because...I didn't know I could hurt like this.
poster:Daisym
thread:628551
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060325/msgs/628655.html