Posted by pegasus on March 30, 2006, at 9:46:46
In reply to Why should I feel overwhelmed? long and negative, posted by Racer on March 29, 2006, at 17:53:23
Wow, how very difficult for you. I'm glad you and your husband are working on this stuff, although it does sound as though you aren't yet able to say some of the stuff that will eventually need to be worked on with the marriage counselor.
It also sounds like your husband has that classic male disability when it comes to nurturing. Being told that you "shouldn't" feel nervous is not helpful, but I think a lot of men think that it's somehow a comforting thing to say. I don't know if your husband meant it that way, but I can totally see my husband saying something like that, and thinking he's helping. I've learned that what I need to tell him in response is something like: Well, I think it's ok to be nervous, and I wanted to share with you how I was feeling. When you say I "shouldn't" feel that way, it makes me feel both nervous, and then guilty for feeling nervous. I know you are trying to be reassuring. Maybe what would help more is just a hug (or whatever it is -- sometimes I have to tell him exactly what to do or say, such as, "Yeah, I can tell you're nervous and it's ok." Or whatever.)
Geez. It's hard enough just dealing yourself with surgery, but to have to also deal with him being unhelpful about it seems like too much. You should be able to count on some extra help this week, even if he doesn't think your surgery is a big deal. It doesn't really matter what he thinks about it after all. It's not *his* surgery. You have every right to feel however you feel about it, and to ask for extra help. I think feeling nervous, and wanting him to be there with you, and be available to help with extra therapy, and cook dinner that night are all extremely reasonable things to want. If I could, I'd wait for you during your surgery, and drive you home, and cook you dinner.
Let us know how you're doing when you get a chance.
peg
poster:pegasus
thread:626253
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060325/msgs/626533.html