Posted by special_k on March 20, 2006, at 1:15:30
In reply to Back to that identity thing again..., posted by Racer on March 20, 2006, at 0:49:33
> I just realized, part of what scares me so much about losing this anorexic identity, is that it presents me to the world as Strong, Self Confident, In Control, Capable, Productive, Logical, and all sorts of things like that that I want to be.
I understand. At least... I think I understand. Though I will say... That I wouldn't have thought that someone in the middle of a bout of anorexia would exemplify those characteristics (excuse me for saying so) so much as... Those being characteristics that you can exemplify all the much more in your recovery.
> I'm sure to some extent I actually am some of those things, too...
Yeah. You know... The fact that those things are important to you... The fact that you work to cultivate those things says a lot about the person you want to be, the person you are working towards being, and the person you are. Because different characteristics are important to different people.
I don't think you have to give up on any of those things in your recovery... I think it is more about appreciating that you can better exemplify those things in your recovery.
> but it doesn't feel that way.
Yeah. I understand that one...
> It feels as though the anorexia is how I mask the True Racer. The True Racer has a dumpy body, is clumsy, graceless, lumpy, and just doesn't get it. Socially awkward, unsure of herself, rather pathetic.
:-( I think... That is what you are afraid of... Rather than what you are. I feel like that a lot too... Maybe... My alters are my mask for those kinds of feelings... Maybe... Parts of me exemplify those characteristics (not me dammit)... But other parts don't... Or something... I dunno.. It is probably what I'm most afraid of rather than what I am. :-(
> I want to be the tall, thin woman who walks with confidence and Gets Things Done. The one who can focus to the smallest details. (Although maybe without that obsessiveness that keeps me from seeing the big picture.) I want to feel attractive, instead of lumpy and ashamed. I want that energy back, too.Okay. I don't see anything wrong with wanting those things. But your height hasn't shrunk, right? And as for thin there is a difference between wiry and starving to death... And a difference between attention to detail and being obsessive.
I just mean that... Maybe it is more about seeing how you DO exemplify the things that are important to you - and seeing that you can better exemplify them in your recovery than you did before.
But that being said... Feeling... That can be hard. *Feeling* fat and clumsy and *being* fat and clumsy are probably two different things...
poster:special_k
thread:622339
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060312/msgs/622365.html