Posted by Racer on March 20, 2006, at 0:49:33
I just realized, part of what scares me so much about losing this anorexic identity, is that it presents me to the world as Strong, Self Confident, In Control, Capable, Productive, Logical, and all sorts of things like that that I want to be. I'm sure to some extent I actually am some of those things, too, but it doesn't feel that way. It feels as though the anorexia is how I mask the True Racer.
The True Racer has a dumpy body, is clumsy, graceless, lumpy, and just doesn't get it. Socially awkward, unsure of herself, rather pathetic.
I want to be the tall, thin woman who walks with confidence and Gets Things Done. The one who can focus to the smallest details. (Although maybe without that obsessiveness that keeps me from seeing the big picture.) I want to feel attractive, instead of lumpy and ashamed. I want that energy back, too.
{sigh}
And you know what else? I'm feeling pretty depressed again. {sigh} Guess Adderall isn't a good choice for me...
poster:Racer
thread:622339
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060312/msgs/622339.html