Posted by crushedout on January 28, 2006, at 10:44:00
I googled my ex-T and found a new webpage, with a picture of her and her daughter. It was like getting punched in the stomach. No, that doesn't really describe the feeling. Getting clocked in the side of the head with something very heavy? At first you can't feel anything--you're just in shock. And then the pain starts.There couldn't have been a picture that would hurt me more, in all the world, I don't think. And now it's burned on my brain. I keep seeing it and sometimes the pain I feel is unbearable. Other times I feel nothing at all.
Last night I had friends over and we played guitar and sang until 6 in the morning. I was so tired I could barely open my mouth anymore but I was terrified to stop singing. Sure enough, when I did, the real crying started. I sobbed for a solid two hours, snot everywhere, gasping, heaving sobs. All I could think about was wanting to die. I couldn't see any other way out of the pain.
I'm not there right now but I know I could go back there at any moment and I'm scared.
I thought I was better than this. I feel like I will never be able to handle these feelings. I feel like I will never get through this. I want to die.
poster:crushedout
thread:603729
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060121/msgs/603729.html