Posted by Daisym on January 27, 2006, at 0:28:36
In reply to I think it's about anger (Thanks, GG), posted by Racer on January 26, 2006, at 20:41:21
I've been fighting my own demons this week so I'm sorry I haven't responded before. Everything you've been writing sounds like complete and total fall out from increasing awareness. I don't know how you feel about frozen age states but I'm convinced that those memories and feelings we've put on ice erupt as powerfully as they were felt initially. Why do you think you needed to shut them off at the time? I think part of feeling so suicidal and out of control can be contributed to these old feelings in part because that is how, consciously or unconsciously, you felt back then. And now you can't control the hurting so you have yet another thing to kick yourself about.
Now you have LOTS to deal with and as it all bubbles up to the surface, everything else goes in the tank. OF COURSE you want to stay under the covers all day. The world is a scary and mean place. It doesn't matter if you tell yourself all this is old -- because it isn't anymore. The feelings are here, right now, and they hurt like hell. Anger makes my chest hurt and scares me to death. As I've become more and more aware of my suppressed anger, I've become more suicidal. Because now I'm aware of what I feel and yet I'm still suppressing the expression of it. I don't know what to do with it. So it sits on me like a giant weight. I don't want to be an angry person and I surely don't want to dump the anger on those around me. I'm afraid of it. So I'm paralyzed, unable to go out, not concentrating and not working effectively. I feel like I'm failing everywhere. And because I feel so bad, I actually am failing at a lot of things.
My therapist said yesterday that anger turned inward turns to self-hatred. Suicide is the best way to express that hate -- annihilation of the pain and those parts that are bringing that pain forward. I tried to tell him that nothing in my life is worse than it was two weeks ago but he insists that my growing awareness of how horrible I feel, how angry I am and how I'm still stuck with someone who loves me and hurts me is a huge shift. Before I would tell myself to not get angry; that anger is a wasted emotion. Now I allow that I am angry, including being angry at my family for not being able to take this hurt away right now.
A few months ago I thought about marriage counseling with my husband. But the truth was (and is) that there is no way I'm strong enough to sit there and have him say out loud what he hates about me. My own therapist agreed that this would be bad for me. He felt that my husband needed to get help understanding how to best help me, and to work on his own issues. And when I talked about how selfish I've become because the only thing I wanted to do was read, write or go to my therapy sessions, my therapist said that maybe therapy needs to be a priority right now. Because it means *I'm* the priority right now. I wish I thought this was OK for me.
But I KNOW it is OK for you! Stop doing what you know is making it worse, like the mc. Use that as a second appointment for yourself if you can, with your own therapist. Tell your GP how you feel, she'll know anyway. Tell her you have a stay safe contract in place with your therapist (you DO, don't you)? so you will call for help if you feel worse. Perhaps she can think of something to do in the immediate future. And I think you should have your therapist call the pdoc and ask that you be seen sooner. What happened to taking the Cymbalta?
I'm glad you are posting a lot. Keep doing that or email. You need to be expressing this outward so it doesn't eat you up inward. I know. I'm there with you. Maybe we can get a group discount? Or fly out to GGs together.
Hang tough, at least keep trying.
(((Racer)))
poster:Daisym
thread:603191
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060121/msgs/603304.html