Posted by Racer on January 26, 2006, at 20:41:21
I just realized this afternoon -- with help from a friend -- that some of this is about anger. I'm finally feeling it, but every time I do, I shut down. And it's not just me -- there are external influences, too, including our marriage counselor. Means we're working at cross purposes between my T and our mc, as well as not going anywhere with the mc anyway.
It feels a little better to see this, but it's also terrible -- because I can't see any solution to this, unless something in the environment changes. Maybe my husband cooperating in changing mcs? (Actually, I'm planning to tell him that I am not going to continue going to this one. Period. Either he can go alone, we can stop marriage counseling, or we can find someone else. Can't say I'm not giving him any choices.)
Of course, if I were stronger, or had more motivation, or things were just different, I could work out the anger somehow. I'm not there right now. I'm just not. So, things aren't different, which means that they're the same. And now that I am becoming aware of being angry, I still don't feel able to express it -- and so I feel much worse than I did when I was better at suppressing it all.
Ugh.
Anyway, I'm still here this afternoon. Still feeling wretched, still thinking I'm going to stop the meds. (Note to Tamar: the thing about PT? My T thought having an appointment might make a difference. I can't (won't?) do the walking in nightgown type thing -- I live in the middle, downtown, section of one of the most densely populated urban centers in the US, and the point was that I can't seem to make myself do ANYTHING. Trying to exercise last week was an amazing accomplishment, and failing so miserably was enough to send me into the dumps. I'm all too good at self-recrimination.) But I did call my T and leave a message that I wanted to talk to her about two things: is it worth calling for a sooner appointment with the pdoc I'm not liking to try to find SOMETHING that might help, before going off everything; and my husband said he was glad I hadn't managed to go back to school, because he didn't think I could handle it in my current state, did she agree, or is it worth trying to get into classes at another school? I am not sure I want to do either of those things, but you know what? I am desperate. SOMETHING has to change. Those are the only things I can think of right now to try.
Thanks for reading my misery.
poster:Racer
thread:603191
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060121/msgs/603191.html