Posted by Susan47 on January 20, 2006, at 23:45:37
In reply to Re: hospital don't know where to post *trigger*, posted by James K on January 20, 2006, at 21:56:27
> Back again. Thank you all for responding and saying some hard but obvious things to me. I just this hour decided not to get drunk tonight.
>
> I talked to my wife and she said it seems like I've lost hope lately. I'm at the point where I'll probably agree to go in sunday night or monday morning. I want to be sure, and take care of some house business. I've never been so random in my emotions before.
>
But you're wise, James, in spite of those hard emotions. You're getting it, and you're being really hard on yourself, and letting us do it, too, because you know what you need. I reiterate what I said about your brilliance (mwah, BTW) ....
I agree with Tamar, I think she said you're brave, and if so that's what I think too.
> It is true that the violence is the biggest scare. I've rarely actually been in physical violence, I do hurt myself instead more often. The risk is real though because I when the trigger gets switched I don't think I'm willing to back down. I'm not a monster (nobody implied I am, just for the record) but I have rage and when I don't care anymore stuff happens.
>
> james k
Yeah, that's the thing about rage, isn't it. It's like a drug, kind of, I think. It's like, this immediate surge, this incredible high that lasts about five seconds, and you do something to make it last, and then it's gone, and you're left with empty justifications .. it isn't worth it, though, all the bad feelings that come afterwards get us to feel the despair again, that led to the rage in the first place ... and in that rage it's the not caring anymore that's the danger.
The secret would be finding the key to unlock the rage in a way that's building new trust, not going over old ground, but breaking new ... wow.
Sometimes I amaze myself with insight.
Then it all seems a sham, another time. Why is life is up and down? I'm not a giraffe, I don't have a seven-foot neck and I'm not used to going up and down, up and down all day long. I'm getting dizzy. Feeling hopeless, James, like I want to phone. The phone is my drug, it was a co-drug with the THC darling, do you see?
poster:Susan47
thread:601163
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060110/msgs/601371.html