Posted by James K on January 20, 2006, at 16:46:31
I have to talk about this. I'm confused. I need to talk to my wife about it too.
I've been going to an outpatient clinic that is an offshoot of a psychiatric inpatient hospital. Over the summer I went inpatient 3 seperate times, mixed with outpatient. I kept going back in for alcohol and self injury. I quit.
Then I came back about 12/15/05. Some of your who might be following some of my posts have heard some of this.In the last several days, I've been crying and considering self injury. I took what could be considered an overdose but was more just getting high, but I was honest and admitted I was rolling the dice as to how far I might end up going. I made a serious threat to commit physical violence to my (seen 2 times) current psychiatrist. I was kind of nervous freaking out all day in groups, and one of the therapists may have noticed me tapping my eye area with my knuckle.
My brand new psychiatrist (seen two times) strongly wanted me to check in right then today, without bringing any of this up specifically. I think they have all put their heads together and figured out I'm at risk to myself or others.
I swore I wouldn't go back in. It's a crappy hospital, but the best in network in my city. I've spent so much money. I think I might beat one of the patients to death if I go in. Right now I feel fine (enough), but I'm unpredictable.
This new doc is head of the whole program and I like him so far. He wants to do psych testing which is about time. He checked my thyroid, normal, but at least he ran the test. I don't know what to do.
I think I can be well. Maybe I need to shell out the big bucks and go to Menninger again. Maybe relax and grow up. They are worried how am I going to be safe. I told him I'm past the "don't care about interests" phase, into the "crying alot" stage, near the "suicide around the edges" stage, but not at the "I'm done" area.
I'm so damn unpredictable right now. I'm thinking aloud. My wife will support me in whatever, but I'm not getting the "you need to go in" signals from her. I think he wants to put me on seroquel again.
shoot.
I gotta get better this weekend or face some big unpleasantness. If I get big time drunk and live it up and watch movies and cry about my sh*tty life again is that a good sign or a bad sign?
I want to do the right thing. I said I would do the right things this time. I don't know what that is. It isn't obvious. This came out of the blue. I was too honest. I'm trying to not think " they want my money" I think it's for real.
I'm going to post this and read it later. Maybe it will make sense with some time.
James K
poster:James K
thread:601163
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060110/msgs/601163.html