Posted by happyflower on January 18, 2006, at 13:51:36
I was only a little nervous, I had a few other topics to talk about first. But I think he sensed there was a bigger issue I wanted to talk about.
I told him I wanted to talk about something that I know he isn't open to and probably won't understand it or think I was smoking weed or something.
I started off talking about my grandmother and friend who I felt this special connection with and still feel them with me.
Then he started to talk about ADC(after death communications). Well his brother wrote a book about it, and he used EMDR to bring out ADC's in patients having trouble with grief. (He let me borrow his brothers new book to read about it) So he understood the feelings I have with my grandma and my friend. But I still want to know what that connection was while they were alive because I still carry it with me. He talked about what I was feeling was a bond or closeness. Well we talked about this for a while.
Well he kept trying to stay on the topic of death communications, I wanted to talk about what the present feelings meantat the time. We did talk about that , I forgot what he said, but it was nice. He said something about some people who are like us we bond to more easier with. Maybe something about keeping the goodness of that person affecting me after that person dies.Well I said there was more. LOL ( I had to shut him up, so I could get it all out) LOL I wasn't going to go that far and not finish what I wanted to talk about.
Then I just came out and said that I had the same feeling about him (as my grandma and my friend) I think I caught him off guard, I don't think he knew the conversation was going to go where it did. (he is always thinking ahead of what I might be getting to, I think he was suprised this time.) Well I talked about some of the common interests and coincedences. I knew prior to this he didn't believe in soul mates, so I knew he wouldn't understand this, or be open to this. Well he told me that he accepts this as a compliment that I feel the bondand closeness that I do. I talked about how I at first was thinking I was just experiencing tranference. We talked about that too, there were times, (like when I fired him) that was probably tranference related)But he said he believes that I do like him, and that it isn't tranference, it is "real". He talked about how he has had experience with women who said that they were in love with him. He said the feelings went away right away when the feelings were not returned or it turned into a "hate" thing. He said that happened a long time ago.He didn't think my feelings were tranference, that they were genuine bonding and connection feelings. Then he said he hoped it didn't mean he was going to die soon, because of the same bond I felt was with people who died. But he didn't linger on that one. LOLHe basically said he would enjoy talking with me and socializing with me if he met in other circumstances other than therapy. He said he didn't feel that about all his clients either. He saidhe won't become socially involved with me because he didn't want to undue the results of thearpy. He said he keeps firm boundries. I said that really sucked because I really enjoy talking to him and enjoy his company. Well he said that it sucks for him too but he understand on why we can't be more than what we are. (it is for my own benefit).
I told him that I would respect his boundries but nothing has changed. He said I would never talk him into beliveing that people are meant to meet for a purpose. (He doesn't belive in fate at all). Well I told him I am not so sure.
Then said knowing how I feel also gives him an extra responsiblity of making sure I do not continue with therepy for just the sake of enjoying our conversations. But we talked about how he has helped me and is still helping me. He said he thinks he did a darn good job with me! LOL (yeah, he does have a big head) LOL But he also trusts me that I will end therapy when I feel he no longer is helping me. He said I am very honest with him, when I am mad at him, I let him know it. So he believes I will let him know when we need to stop. He asked me if I think we can still continue to do good work even with my feelings and his boundries. I said well the boundries haven't changed, and my feelings have been with me since the first day of therapy, so nothing has changed.
Well we went way past our time, but it was a a big subject, not just chatting. He told me at the end that I did very good today. I told him that my feelings aren't going to change, they are what they are and maybe someday he will be more open minded about fate. LOLI guess what I am feeling now is relief that I got it in the open. I don't feel bad or hurt. I kinda expected what he would say and I already knew what he thought about fate. I know where I stand, but it does suck, he even agrees with that. Do I think he still has feeling for me? Yes I do, but he is a very ethical therapist (I knew this already) and when it comes down to it, he is doing the right thing.
Even though I won't be able to socialize with him, I still will see him from time to time at the gym after therapy. Do I believe fate brought us together? I kinda still do, he is just too close minded about it! LOL My next session is in 2 weeks, I wonder if it will feel different. I feel very good today with myself.
poster:happyflower
thread:600331
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060110/msgs/600331.html