Posted by Susan47 on December 27, 2005, at 14:42:39
In reply to Re: Help me please, re: ex-T » Susan47, posted by orchid on December 27, 2005, at 5:03:24
Yes, all good points and I am getting there. Like I've said over and over and over again, to myself and to his effing machine because he turned a blind eye and ear to me, over and over again he showed me his blindness and his complete bourgeouis self-image, which was really disgusting but then I felt this LOVE for him, outside of his own self-image I felt something else, and it was so confusing and that *sshole did zip zero and zilch to help me out, in fact he completely rejected me as a patient, after months and months of letting his answering machine take my calls, and picking and choosing when or if he ever was going to return any of them.
Pavlov's dog all over again. I was manipulated and even he probably didn't even know it, he's manipulating me all over again with his silence, because that's what these men have to do, it's their only defence. And offence is the best defence, and he uses it too.
So I know you're right, Orchid, and I've always known it but when I was loving him it was impossible to recognize, because he represented things about myself that I was in love with.
And I kind of felt, because of the way he acts in session and sometimes out of it, and on the phone, I mean he's so Prideful, and I don't know why but I got that so strongly, and then also I loved his humility, but it was hard to know if it was real or fake.
I loved him.
I loved his look of concern and well-being.
He's gorgeous.
Which is unfortunate. Because it's the gorgeous men who sometimes turn out to be the most frail, and the most ardent in thinking they need to protect themselves.
He did everything possible to protect himself against my... issue. Which really, perhaps even to little old lady-hood, will cause me problems unless I learn to take it and handle it all.. lightly.
I think, he was f*cked.
And he was quite willing to let my ship go down, so that his could float.
And for that, he was disappointing.
But real. Very, very real.
poster:Susan47
thread:592087
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051216/msgs/592486.html