Posted by Susan47 on December 25, 2005, at 15:17:52
In reply to Help me please, re: ex-T, posted by Susan47 on December 25, 2005, at 13:27:37
or ideas or thoughts, I'd appreciate some. Because this is ridiculous.
It never should've gotten to this. Never. He was never listening properly, not with his whole mind, not with all his awareness, he didn't know what he was doing, or maybe he did and I was just used for amusement. But I don't like to think so, I don't like to think that he was just sitting back shaking his head going, oh my, she's got problems doesn't she? But she has to stop bugging me, I haven't done anything wrong.. I don't know, I just had this image of him being good, a Good person, you know? Someone who'd never use people, someone who wouldn't let his own protective barrier interfere with other's growth, someone who was a lot more of an altruist than he is, or maybe even than I am. Maybe if I were in his shoes, I'd be acting the same way, which is kind of horrifying. But I understand that's the way human nature is, in any case. Especially in our litigious society. Oh yes, I keep forgetting how sick our society is now, and how dishonest people are allowed to be.
I get so angry, when I think he just isn't the person I wanted him to be. He hurt me and he knows it beyond a doubt, and he's now quite happy to continue to let me bleed, so to speak. As long as he's protected, and his little business and his little life ad nauseum, I'm sure .. we think we don't have a caste system in Canada, or the US, but we do, and it isn't until you've been swallowed by it yourself, that you realize how bad it is. Only in our society, it's mostly money, not birth or position, that determines our castes. And I'm in a lower caste than my ex-therapist, you see, because I have less education, less earning power, less money, less prestige, less of everything except probably children ... so it's easy for him to play this game and wave his hand and pretend none of it ever existed for him.
This is what hate could be made of, but I've tried really hard not to do that.
Maybe I've just tried too hard to be good, to live up to some standard of my own that's un-livable. Because I'm human too, and if I keep thinking about this and his unbearably cold, cruel and hurtful behaviour, I would hate him.
I remember though, the way he looked at me and he didn't seem like a person with no humility. But the way someone looks at you can be very very different from the way they treat you IRL.
In the words of Ally's very vulnerable therapist, he ran fast and far. But he waited too long, and too much water had passed under the bridge, and this therapist probably thought he was standing on the riverbank being an observer, not a participant. And he was a participant. And he should have known that, if he were self-aware and honest, he WOULD know that.
How can therapists get away with this stuff, and how many of these are out there? And the more I say stuff like that, the more it makes them all want to duck. Which is ridiculous. Because this stuff NEEDS TO BE TALKED ABOUT.
poster:Susan47
thread:592087
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051216/msgs/592099.html