Posted by jammerlich on December 13, 2005, at 3:26:55
At least it seems like it *should* be easy. I'm thinking of sending my former (seeing that word brings tears) T a Christmas card and it feels like the HUGE thing.
I know I don't post much so my "story" isn't very familiar, but about a year ago the T I was seeing dumped me because I would not take AD's. She said she was still "here" (sure, whatever) and if I ever found myself in a different place (whatever that means) I could come back.
I've been trying to write her, asking to come back, since the summer and I just haven't been able to. Nothing I put down on paper seems right. And I worry about her response - and the fact that I might not get one at all - and how it might feel. Whether I could handle being rejected again. Thus, the Christmas card. It's innocuous (not to me in this situation, but in most cases) and something from which one doesn't expect a response. I guess I'm wanting to see how it feels to make contact (on a small scale) and get nothing back. If it feels too miserable, then the letter is a no-go. Is that completely dumb? If feels so childish to me.
I don't know what it is that feels so absolutely big about putting something in the mail to her. If my tears now are any indication, I will sit in my car and have a good cry after I do it - if I do it.
If I could wake up just ONE morning and not have this be the first thing on my mind, feeling the pain as if it only happened the day before, I think I could learn to be content with never contacting her again and not going back. But time has brought me no healing. I so wish it would.
poster:jammerlich
thread:588582
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051210/msgs/588582.html