Posted by 10derHeart on November 25, 2005, at 16:42:20
In reply to Re:((((((((10derheart)))))), posted by alexandra_k on November 16, 2005, at 2:06:37
> I'm sorry hon.
> :-(I know you are..and it helps (helped that day a LOT)
> > This has to do with his policy of allowing unlimited email between sessions.
>
> Hmm. Thats a funny policy...
> To allow / encourage 'unlimited' emails / phonecalls / whatever. Because... I think... When 'unlimited' is involved. Well... Burnout is imminent...Well, not necessarily. I see no evidence of burnout. (Especially now knowing of all the many clients he has, no one else emails him, other that a brief appointment time change, cancellation, etc.) And, there was never any promise, fantasy or expectation of any kind that he would answer them in any certain way or in a specific time frame. We did talk about the fact he promised to speak up if they became just over-the-top as far as too long or too frequent. They never did. They more became...too good? Too deep? Too potentially therapeutic? It's clearer to me now it was truly the effect on our session relationship along with the fact he just came to *like* reading them so much....(his stuff)...that prompted this...
> Hmm... Maybe he needs to think about setting some reasonable limits... So he doesn't have to do the 'unilateral' thing...<<
I asked (ironically, IN an email...) about 4 months ago..."How much email is too much? Where do you see your boundaries?" Here's his verbatim reply:
"You ask the best questions.
Here's what I think. Deciding on the boundary goes both ways. You are the only one who can assess your needs "in the moment." You have to ask the question, "Can this wait and/or can I wait until my appointment to talk about this?" For my part, I will ALWAYS respect your need to send me an email, but I can also say, "Let's wait to talk about this." I don't want you to feel that you have reached a "max email quota." I don't think I could work that way."And then we talked about it more later. So whether it was wise or not, we were both on the same page for a long time..... I think what it evolved into blindsided him, as I wrote to Orchid above.
In short, he found out he couldn't (hardly ever) say, "Let's wait to talk about this." Too much anxiety and pain in the emails, I think...and he cares so (too?) much.... Hard to find the fault there...but...I dunno
Now I think it could have helped had he told me in 30 years he'd never "done this before"...because with my prior T., I DO have experience with a T. dealing with me, going through a process with me and trying something in completely uncharted terriorty. Maybe, I could have seen the meaning, even the possibility of the emails stopping, in a different light had I known he was waaaayout on that limb....but again, I dunno.
> I told him very bluntly how angry and confused I was, and how much this totally s*cks for me. He looked very sad himself.
>
> Yeah.
> Fair enough.He's endured this bluntness for 3 sessions now (not exclusively...but probably 70% of the hour!) and in 2 long journal pages I brought in.....hasn't been overwhelmed yet....and says do it, say it, as much as long as you want. It has not been pretty for either of us...but it's helping.
> Yeah... I think I'd be pissed off and majorly hurt too. I mean... He must have been feeling not so good about the emails for a while... For it to get to the point that he says he needs to stop them altogether. So... He should have said something before now about not having 'unlimited' emailing. But maybe... Some sort of 'limited' email contact.
>
> :-(
> :-(
>
> I'm sorryYeah. But I can't/don't want to live with the limits, I don't think. That's yet to be seen. We have a lot more to talk about on this. No email at all for 11 days now and I'm surviving.
Thanks for all the thought and heart you put into this. As always. I noticed :-)
poster:10derHeart
thread:579218
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051118/msgs/582150.html