Posted by 10derHeart on November 16, 2005, at 23:03:07
In reply to ((((((((((10derHeart)))))))))), posted by Damos on November 16, 2005, at 14:50:15
Way better than I thought I'd be. I wonder if this could mean some kind of progress I can't quite describe yet. I think it might. I just don't quite dare to believe it, I'm so used to needing to learn things 100 times before they sink in, and to every "relationship event" like this being a catastrophe and a trigger for depression, but maybe this time it's only taken 2 times to learn something and it's sticking.....more on that later.
You all helped so, so much. Just seeing all the ((((( )))) is HUGE when words fail and no IRL people are available. Babblers are the most wonderful people ever.
I'm not obsessing about emailng him, anyway. Just tearing up every so often. It's hard to remember parts of the conversation that had phrases like, "stop emailing," or, "we can't do this any more." But I'm not nearly as shaky as I thought I'd be. I really do trust this man to work in my best interest, although clearly he caught me by surprise.
Part of what helped is as I was leaving, I asked (not that I have to ask, just felt like it this time) if I could shake his hand just to help me remember better that he's "still there" until next time. He said, "Of course" and squeezed my hand really tight and held the handshake for a long time (in a totally nice and non-creepy way, obviously) That was just exactly the kind of handshake I wanted and needed, so it helps to dwell on that instead of putting my own spin and meaning on other stuff.
I think, too, because it was so intense for two sessions, feeling like a threat to what we've built up over the past 11 months, I was partly trying to reassure him with the handshake. Wanting to reinforce one of the last things I'd said before we stopped, which was something like, "So, I'm pretty sure I can be attached to you, and worried, scared, furious with you for not somehow knowing this would happen, but still think you're a good therapist and the right one for me, and not quit or withdraw....I think I can feel all those at the exact same time and that's okay, right?" (I think I saw relief on his face then) It's like I was adding on, "...and I'll even allow physical contact to show that even being so very upset, it's not so bad that I don't care about or like you any more...," or something like that. It's a gift I wanted to "give" him (though I still remembered this IS all about me) after him "taking" my bitterness, disappointment, criticism, sarcasm, etc., for nearly an hour straight without flinching or being one bit defensive. I did NOT let him off easy, believe me.
I've been forcing myself to journal about this and why it's so important to me, why changes in relationship boundaries (even when intellectually I can see they may be healthy ones) cause me to feel devastated, unloved, unwanted and like I'm just doing therapy and everything else all wrong, thus being punished. It's hard - a lot of bad feelings about myself come up. A lot of crap resonates from old romantic relationships where there was extreme or repeated rejection, etc. Yuk.
I'll try to explain more about the whys and details that led up to this decision of his in my next post. Let's just say I seem to be a magnet for "this is the first time I've ever..." experiences with veteran T's! Sheesh.
It's been a long day. And BTW - I totally love you guys.
poster:10derHeart
thread:579218
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051107/msgs/579496.html