Posted by jadah on August 16, 2005, at 17:46:35
In reply to Re: so confused » Jadah, posted by bird in the sky on August 15, 2005, at 20:51:30
boy, does your post bring back memories. your infatuation is normal and it is possible to love or "be in love" with more than one person at a time. I know the heartache of always wondering and wanting more from your T. My case is unusual. My affair did relieve much of my yearning and wondering but it also left me unsatisfied. The more he gave the more I wanted. I still hurt. He still takes up most of my thoughts and most of my heart. I hate thinking of him with his wife and kids, b/c i wish it was me. It kills me. It is interfering with my life and my relationship with my boyfriend. I often wonder if I will ever be able to give myself fully to another man in the same way that I have with my T. There are many times when I wish I could go back and still idolize him, still fantasize, still wonder.... Now its just like a game, only I know that in the end I will be the one to lose. I hate him sometimes for crossing the line, for giving me more only to take it away in the end. When it all comes down to it, he is just another man who will hurt and abandon me. This cant go on forever, he will never leave his wife for me. It sucks feeling second best. Get what needs you can get met from your T. Take it, learn from it then apply it (to your well being and your relationship with your husband). My goal is to be able to walk away from this relationship knowing that Im worthy of being loved, that loving someone else is worthwhile and rewarding, that I can overcome my past abuse issues- not all men will hurt me nor do I have to crawl out of my skin every time i am touched, intimacy if fabulous and meant to be shared, that i could stay present and enjoy the moment.... and so on. I say these things b/c everything that I once thought bad or unclean has been purified by my experience with my T. Not saying you should seek this out, but that whatever you are given by this mesmerizing T, run with it, tuck it away, and when youre able, use it all to tear down your walls and add to your fire. Although you want to merge with this T, you are your own person, just as you were before you met him. You can stand on your own aside from this person. Obsessing about your T will only make you feel worse. Instead of focusing on what you want from this person, focus on what can realistically be given to you. Some things are meant to remain unkown. Think about why he makes you feel so special and seek that out in your relationships. Hes just a person like you and I, you must try to see him in this way and take him off the pedestal. Dont know if I am making any sense. Here is something I wrote to anyone who feels the way you do. I understand your wanting MORE from your T but trust me, along with the good comes the bad. You really see the humanness in them. Taking them off of the pedistal that you have thim on.... it can be disappointing to see their flaws, bad habits, their mood swings, their anger.... it really changes your view of them to realize that they are not perfect like you imagined. The more I learn about his personal life, the more I wish I wouldnt have asked. I kinda miss that "perfect" person, the one who could do no wrong. Sexually, he is everything I thought he would be. Personally.... what can I say... hes no different than anyone else I know thats human :0 I am facing much hurt. I dont regret anything but the pain, I think will be alot worse than if I had just stuck to my fantasies and always wondered and only ached to find out. Their are alot of negatives attached to this. One day, friends or not, I will lose him. I hope I dont lose myself in the process.
poster:jadah
thread:267681
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050813/msgs/542594.html