Posted by confused186 on August 13, 2005, at 10:58:10
In reply to scared of not ever finding relief- *triggering****, posted by frida on August 13, 2005, at 10:22:54
Hi I am new to this site and read your post. I can say I know alot of the feelings you are feeling only being able to hint at the pain and looking around in a fog because you know any other person could never understand what you are going through. I really think there are just no words in the human vocabulary to express that deep dark pain. Its so dark its not even midnight its like a deep blue that shines just to show its still alive within you. One thing I can tell you from therapy is that it gets worse before it gets better....you see your waking up all your demons your actually not just crying about them anymore your talking to them and they can get really mean and ugly. I cried and did a few other things to myself becuase I was in so much pain. I kept going though partially cause i had a friend bigger than me that would drag me to the car and make me go sometimes i wouldnt talk sometimes i would yell sometimes i would say i wasnt meant to even be born and this was all useless. I would have to take bathroom breaks at work and cry. Let me tell you the fact that you go to work is amazing in itself. Do you know how may people couldn't do that at all but you do. It may not seem like alot but it's a start. It shows your still throwing yourself out there with other people fighting everyday. I know it hurts like hell and it hurt so bad one time I quit therapy for like 3 months then I got worse and went back. One day you willnotice you will talk about something and you wont cry where before you always did. see pain is a part of shame and when you talk about it you cry and you hate yourself but once you get it out and deal with it and say yes this happened yes this was the lowest point of my like but im here.... im still here you realize you more than you ever thought and yes you always slip back sometimes.... but you know now to dig your heels in and hang on and you never get back to that lowest point...hang in there that releif the first signs of it will come from you not medication and yes now i am on meds because i am bipolar and im still in therapy so i am only a few steps ahead of you in your journey but im on the same road...yes I know about things happening a while ago and the pain is still like yesterday....I used to be able to smell things that were there at the time thats how alive my mind made it for me and that does still come back but I close my eyes and say its ok I should be dead from the things I went thorugh but somehow I was made a worrior without my choice and I wipe the tears away even if it takes hours.
poster:confused186
thread:541041
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050813/msgs/541056.html