Posted by Susan47 on August 4, 2005, at 19:42:59
Yesterday I did it, without shaking and without heart palpitations for the first time in ages, since he terminated me more than a year ago. So a dozen times or more anyway. In any case, I use a drycleaner nearby and he's seen me coming out of there once and I didn't go for ages, now I'm going again and I can do it without feeling like I'm his special nuisance and if he sees me he'll cross the street. Which I think he actually has. Even out and out ignored my presence, and not just because that's a policy with pts. or ex-pt's, now I can actually feel, like, it would be nice to see him but not under his terms, not in his territory, I don't need to be in his territory it doesn't make me feel good.
That whole concept is weird, because actually seeing his face and being seen back, by him, feels so terribly wonderful. Stupid. The whole thing is messed right up. But tomorrow I have to go back after work and pick up the cleaning, and I'm not going to feel intimidated and I'm not going to feel scared. I might walk down the street a bit, towards his office, but I cannot go in. I can't even go parallel to the door, it would probably set me off. The second I feel nervous or anxious, I will turn right around. Maybe I'll do it from the back, the sunny side. I remember I saw him, once, sitting at the window and he looked out before he sat down and I think he noticed me standing there, that was nice. But ever since it's been, like, jesus girl, what is the MATTER with you, that just seems so desperado, to need to see someone that much. But it's building up again, you know, and the phone calls are starting to come back so if it keeps me quiet, maybe the humiliation of seeing, oh god, I know that's what will happen, the blinds will be shut and he'll be on holiday. But maybe I won't do it, maybe I'll just pick up the cleaning and be happy I didn't make an *ss of myself. This is so hard, even just thinking about being a pest makes my body hurt. I can't go back like this, I can't. But I really really really want to know he's there, I really want to see him. And because I've been disliked and rejected and thought rude and stupid, I can't because it always hurts me. How awful.. I still feel so drawn, you know, like the moth to the flame. Always.
poster:Susan47
thread:537605
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050801/msgs/537605.html