Posted by frida on July 29, 2005, at 21:11:21
In reply to Re: Talking about Sex (potential trigger) » frida, posted by daisym on July 29, 2005, at 0:18:57
Hi Daisy,
thank you for your post- and for sharing....
it means a lot to me.I tried a lot of times to write a message to post but i find it difficult to share coherently what's going on in T...I've read so terrible stories here and I do feel blessed to have my T and to know she is willing to do so much to help me trust her. She's done a lot...from telling me deep things about her and the little girl she once was, from being pushy when i was sort of..a danger to myself...to showing me caring...
i do know I can trust her. I've been seeing her for around 5 years now. But i find it incredibly incredibly hard to move from the place i'm in... :-( I don't know how.
i tell her 10% of what i feel and want and think...not just about the abuse..about everything..feelings included. I do write to her a lot but she told me that if only at least i could admit what i write..like maybe refer to a letter or something but I don't...except that I've tried and was able to read a couple of things to her lately.I have changed a lot in the sense that now i do feel her with me (sometimes) in between sessions and I trust much much more. But what she told me our last session was that I just can't build from one session to the other. No matter how close, intense, deep our previous session was, I go to the next in total fear. She said I don't talk through the fear, or let myself feel it and tell her and take her with me. I just act it out. :-(
It's incredible but I wait the whole week hanging on in a state of painful urgency, I get there and the little scared girl in me takes over and I can't even talk about the fear. I act it out physically :-(it's very complicated :-(
i don't know why I can't build from one session to another. She told me that in a lot of ways I act as a child, that can't internalize and needs to be reassured all the time..but that it's so frustrating and sad that I can't realize that there is nothing to be afraid of and that it would be much much better if i could go to the next session showing her that i have all the rest in my heart..not as the first day :-(
It is very hard, for both of us. But I have changed a lot though - comparing to before when I could not say a word.I guess if i could just let myself cry instead of crying the moment I walk out it would make some difference...
Thank you for giving me hope- I read what you share and the way you work in T and I feel you're being so brave, you are so honest and vulnerable to him, that takes so much courage and i know how hard it is, and it is so wonderful that you can show him how you feel and open your heart...feeling that connection, and not staying inside with the pain is what makes all the difference to me (the times I could do that)- I am so glad that you are feeling connected to your T.
Love,
Frida
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poster:frida
thread:534972
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050725/msgs/535442.html