Posted by daisym on July 22, 2005, at 2:32:30
I need to thank some of my friends for their support Wed night in a modified Open chat...Poet, Alldone, Dinah and Falls..GG, sorry I missed you...I believe that you helped me make it through a very tough time and gave me a few more reasons to hang around a little longer.A little more than a month ago I picked out July 20th as a good day, practically speaking, to die. I made a list of things that needed to be done and I set about operationalizing all of this. Slowly but surely I checked things off my list but the pull of suicide, the seduction, had eased off because the date was "later" -- I didn't need to think about it because I had given up the struggle. And my therapist went on vacation and I struggled with the aftermath of my dad's visit and all the crap at work...and the date was background noise. As it got closer, I felt more anxious and yet more and more ready. I was telling things in therapy I hadn't before, there was an urgency to get it said, to get it out there. By Tuesday I was a huge ball of anxiety, yet therapy went in a different direction and I couldn't tell him what was brewing. I didn't want to have him stop me either, nor did I want to explain it all, again.
So at 3AM Wed morning I was pacing around and I watched my sons sleeping...and I realized that I wasn't as emotionally ready as I thought. Operationally everything is done. I just didn't know how to leave them. So I wrote a letter to my therapist explaining the past month and how scared I felt right now and I decided that I would keep one last promise, which was to talk this over with him before I took any action. So I went into therapy and gave him my letter. As I read it to him, I could see the dawn of comprehension on his face and his horror. He was pretty upset with me for shutting him out (his phrase). He said he felt like he had been asleep at the wheel, but he knew how well I hid things and how together I always look. Which is completely true. You'd absolutely never know what a mess I am. He tells me I'm scary that way. We talked a lot about my boys and the effect of losing a parent this way has on kids. He wanted to know the details of the plan and I refused to share those with him. He extracted another "no harm" promise and I left. Life went south on me that evening and night but having support and friends in the chat was a lifeline and I kept remembering what I had promised. At 12:30am I sighed and noted that the day had come and gone, but I was still here.
When I went to therapy today, the first thing he said was,"I'm so glad to see you and that you are still here." I feel bad for worrying him like this again. We spent the session talking about how much power these feelings had gained by not sharing them with him and by planning in isolation. He agrees with me that the danger has not yet passed, that every trigger over the next few days will result in the "just do it" struggle. We spent some time on how to eliminate certain triggers and how to get support when I'm set off or upset by others. It was hard to leave, harder than yesterday, because I'm afraid to be alone with myself. We talked this evening too, he said he was "reducing his own anxiety" by keeping close tabs on me. I cried, finally, on the phone this evening because I'm really not sure I have the strength to keep fighting back. It is a strong urge to end all this pain. He feels a great deal of this comes from the really old feelings of being worthless, unimportant and almost invisible. I agree that I want to validate these feelings by disappearing completely. He tells me I'm important to him, and to my kids. That he cares and he would miss me. It was nice of him to say that. I thought he'd be really mad about this. He said he is "mad" that I haven't been telling him, but he NEEDS to hear what is real and he wants to hear about all of this, especially these suicidal thoughts and plans. He was pretty calm, though I think when he gets the letter and final payment I mailed him, he'll be upset again. (It was on the list...) He was pretty directive today about reducing triggers and self-care. But he did it in a gentle way that didn't feel heavy handed or punitive. And I agreed to talk to him everyday for a little while.
I don't really know why I'm posting all this. I guess I'm still just barely hanging on and looking for more support. I know I haven't been posting much and so I feel like I'm just barging back but... You guys have become like an extended family and I need you. I feel like the guy in the movie The Mask. "Somebody STOP me!"
Thanks for reading all this. Hugs from me,
Daisy
poster:daisym
thread:531402
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050716/msgs/531402.html