Posted by daisym on July 25, 2005, at 0:09:27
In reply to How are you , Daisy?, posted by gardenergirl on July 24, 2005, at 21:20:25
hmmm....that shouldn't be a hard question, should it?
I can move away from the dark thoughts and get stuff done. I organized a whole picnic yesterday for 200 kids. It was great - they were so adorable and everyone agreed it was a nice peaceful day. And then I went back to the office and put everything away and sat at my desk and thought "I'm going to miss this place, I wonder if they will miss me?" My therapist is still keeping close tabs, though I ducked him somewhat today. We traded messages. And yet tonight I realize that I'm sad because I didn't talk to him.
And that makes me shake myself. I think yesterday I really wanted him to TELL me what to do, to make decisions for me. I wanted someone to take charge of me and keep me safe. And he did give instructions. But I ended up feeling foolish about what I wanted so today I pulled inside again. It is horrible that I can see what I'm doing, and yet not be able to stop myself anyway. He suggested the hospital on Thursday and I freaked and backed him off. But I've been thinking about it over the weekend and talking to Falls about it. Besides the fact that one of my favorite employees in interning there this summer for an OT rotation (nothing like having your mentor committed, is there?) I can't get past the fact that I won't be able to see my own therapist. I feel like I'm being punished.
This is really old, I know that. I tell the secret-- "I'm suicidal" and I get taken away from my family and I can't see the person I'm completely attached to. I can't seem to reframe this for myself. I think it is just too scary to contemplate.
So -- I can't help but think I should have just followed through last Wednesday. As scared as I was that morning, this back and forth is much worse. And I've become a burden to several people I care about because I've shared this with them. I've made it someone else's problem. And I never intended that.
Are you sorry you asked now? Sorry. I shouldn't be flip. I do appreciate how much everyone cares. It makes how I feel so much harder.
I hope your tummy is better. (((GG)))
poster:daisym
thread:531402
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050716/msgs/533102.html