Posted by Daisym on July 14, 2005, at 20:16:02
I want to post about today's session because it was so powerful but I left with my feelings hurt. It is confusing to feel this way because my therapist did an amazing job with me today -- but I bumped up against one of those darn boundaries and it hurt...it hurt a lot.
I went into my session feeling nine years old and with a huge need to correct something from yesterday. I was freaked out about having made a mistake and I NEEDED him to understand that it was JUST that I got mixed up about when something happened. He said it was fine, not to worry about it, but he said it was interesting that it was so urgent that I correct this. He asked me what I was afraid of and I said "nothing" but he knew that was a lie, he could tell from the way I was squirming around and avoiding looking at him. He gently said it was OK to be nine today and that I could talk to him about what was so upsetting. So I did, I told him everything and then I would back up and say, "I'm not supposed to tell you that" and I would struggle to stop talking. He has this way of being very firm but gentle when this happens, saying, "you aren't going to get into trouble, you need to tell me this stuff, it is important that I hear it." Somehow he is so confident that this is the right thing to be doing that I can keep going. My fear was that he would be mad that I lied to him...I told him something had happened when I was 12 when it really happened when I was 9...but he said no, he absolutely wasn't mad. He knew these things come out in stages and that I needed to tell him stuff in my own way and that was OK. We talked about one age protecting another age. At one point I was switching from being 9 to being me and back again so quickly that it made me dizzy. It was like this part NEEDED to talk from that age. I asked him very tearfully why I couldn't just remember being nine, why did I have to BE nine to tell him? He said because I needed to re-live the memory and feel the pain with a witness, which means being nine. And he said this in such a caring way that I didn't feel quite so nuts for feeling this way, or admitting it.
It was really hard to leave. I was sobbing that I hated all of this, the memories, the feelings and mostly leaving. I told him I wanted to stay under his chair, holding his leg. He said he knew that and he could feel I was suffering and he promised to not disappear over the weekend. He asked me if I wanted to check in with him before Monday. This is where I got my feelings hurt. I said I would like to call him if I'm having a rough time, and he said Saturday morning would be best if I wanted to talk for a little while. He told me it would be tough to find time tomorrow but he would check his messages and of course I should call if it was an emergency. Intellectually I know he has a life. But the little kid sitting there heard, "I don't have time for you." So I took a breath, said, "I'll be OK -- I'll see you Monday" and bolted. I know it would have been way worse to call tomorrow and have him not call back for hours, or have him say on the phone, "I can't talk to you" but it still feels bad.
I really do hate this.
poster:Daisym
thread:527747
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050706/msgs/527747.html