Posted by Tamar on July 3, 2005, at 13:49:47
In reply to long post but it explains what I feel » Tamar, posted by happyflower on July 3, 2005, at 12:40:57
> Okay, this makes a lot of sense, but it is a thought I had much later. When T tried to explain what he meant, he said that perhaps my husband is lying and that I can't read him as well as I think. Well this is pertaining to if my husband is cheating on me. I don't know what is worse thinking my DH cheating on me or my T lying to me.
I’m not entirely sure I understand. Was your T suggesting that your husband might be cheating on you without your knowledge? Was he intending to get you to think about whether you rely too much on being able to tell if people are lying in order to be able to trust them? Was he trying to encourage you to think of different ways of trusting people (e.g. trusting people on the basis of consistent behaviour)?
> Well when I entered therapy in Jan. I was living in a box with my family. So many people in my life has let me down and pooped on me that I was unable and didn't want to even try to trust anyone else.
> But when things happened with my mother and I started to suffer from PTSD because of it, I knew I needed help.
> The first thing I needed to learn was to trust my T. It took several months and little by little I came to trust him. It felt good and I saw the rewards in being with other people can bring. I know my T relationship isn't a personal one , but it was the closest thing to one that I have had in years.
> Because of learning to trust him, it gave me convidence to pursue other people very slowly. He showed me that people can be good and maybe I can have faith in the human race again. I am talking on these boards, talking to strangers in the grocery store, and I am slowly learning how to be friend with a few neighboors because of this trust. I am much more "open" to people. Trusting my T has been my rock to lean on, especially since my current life is on the rocks like my marriage. But I am going on and still trying to do what I have learned in therapy. I learning to become a better more
> rounded person.Yes. I can see that coming to trust him was a very significant issue for you.
> Well in my last session he talked about termination and he said he was a good lier. I felt he was giving up on me, even when we are just getting to nitty gitty of things. The trust in my T is what gave me strength to change my life, now is he lying? It shook my safe place I felt I had with him, and make me question if everything he said was all lies to me. It shook my convidence in him. I need to be able to go to therapy and feel safe and trust him. I know in personal relationships you can't always count on this. But in a T relationship, is this something I should have to worry about? Shouldn't I feel safe to do my work with him?
Yes, I think you should feel safe. I don’t think he should pull the rug out from under your feet. Not on purpose, anyway.
It occurred to me that all therapists are probably good liars. They have to be able to keep their facial expressions blank in response to just about anything, and they have to be able to keep an even tone of voice no matter what they’re saying. But I’m not sure they should advertise the fact! And I doubt they actually need to lie to clients. I don’t think a therapist could gain much from lying to a client, especially a good therapist who has his client’s best interests at heart.
> I realize that he probably didn't see the weight of his words at the moment and how I would take them. I am sure he didn't mean to do this, I feel it was poor judgement on his part to use "himself" saying he is a bad liar especially with a client who has trust issues. If you can't trust your T , who can you trust? It would be like telling a client with a past history of abuse that he is good at hitting his wife. He should of used someone else as an example.
I take your point. Your comparison with an abusive husband is a powerful and emotive one. Are you planning to use this example when you talk to him? I wonder if it’s just so powerful as to be a little dangerous… I only mean that if he doesn’t understand immediately what you mean, it could end up diverting the conversation…
> With my future so up in the air, I need to have a safe place where I don't have to worry if the other person is going to hurt me. My convidence in this has been shaken with him.
> But one difference, when normally I would just end a relationship when someone did this to me, I am wanting to work this out with him. I am telling him I am sorry for overreacting to my anger and scared feelings. I guess I have built some trust in him, even though it is less now, I still want to work this out. He has let me down, and I told him this, I hope he will undertand this when or if I get a chance to see him again and explain it. My life is so much bettter since working with him, I would hate to start all over.It’s great that you have made so much progress!
> He has been able to get through to me when nobody else even came close. I don't think he knows what kind of impact he has had on my life. I plan on telling him this. It is hard for me to really open up, but he deserves to know how I really feel about what he has helped me change my life to be so much more rewarding then ever. I hope I get the chance to tell him this. :) I am feeling so nervous about it right now.
I can imagine you feel nervous. I hope he understands. I’m sure when you talk about it he will help you explore the depths of your feelings about it.
> > But I’m sure he’ll take you back because it does seem to be what people call a ‘therapeutic opportunity’.
> >
> I hope so because I feel my emotions are pouring out of me. I need him, I hope he knows that.I’m sure he does. I hope you manage to get in contact with him soon.
(((((happyflower)))))
The waiting is hard, isn’t it? Keep posting.
poster:Tamar
thread:522069
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050628/msgs/522959.html