Posted by pinkeye on June 20, 2005, at 16:31:28
In reply to Re: Anybody secretly wishes your T would read here? » pinkeye, posted by Tamar on June 20, 2005, at 15:52:38
> I definitely have a secret wish that my T would read here. I don’t know if he would recognise me; I guess he would if he read for long enough.Pinkeye - Thanks Tamar for validating me.. I also realized that I have that wish..
> I don’t think it’s manipulative, but I do think it might be related to transference and wanting to have a relationship with your T outside of therapy. At least, that’s how it is for me. I think if he could read what I post here then he’d really understand everything about me.
Pinkeye - Yeah, same exact feeling here as well :-)
> Maybe a little bit. But there are so many other reasons to write here as well as the T fantasy! I’ve found it incredibly helpful to be in contact with people who understand what it’s like to live with mental illness (and my T, unless he’s ever been depressed or something, can't truly understand what it feels like).
>
> The other thing for me is that I connect being understood with being loved. I want my T to understand me because I imagine that if he understood me he would love me. I guess what I wish for from him is exactly the opposite of transference: I want him to love me not because I remind him of other loveable people he knows, but because he completely accepts who I am. I imagine that feeling completely accepted would banish all the shame and disgust I feel towards myself. I know rationally that he doesn’t have the power to banish my shame by loving me with some kind of perfect and transcendent love, but it’s my fantasy.
>
> Does any of that resonate with you? Or does your fantasy work in different ways?
Pinkeye - It perfectly resonates with me.. I also have the same feeling, that if he understood me, he would love me, and if he loved me, I can love myself.. But now I am beginning to realize, that even if he understood me, maybe he won't love me.. and even if he loved me, maybe that won't be enough for me to love myself - it is something I have to earn for myself instead of wishing for someone else to give that validating to me... even though it might be something good to start with.
>
>
poster:pinkeye
thread:516036
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050615/msgs/516113.html