Posted by Daisym on June 18, 2005, at 14:19:10
In reply to Re: Daisy, how are you today?, posted by happyflower on June 18, 2005, at 13:16:55
Today is a hard day. I'm trying to take care of myself and meet some of my responsibilities but I find myself sitting in my office, not working, just kind of sitting. I thought maybe I would write here and see if it helps.
Yesterday was such an up and down day. And wouldn't you know it, I turned on Oprah and the whole show was about csa. I couldn't seem to turn it off (sorry Falls) because I was hearing my life come out of other people's mouths. I kept telling myself, "at least THAT didn't happen" -- the worst segment was on forgiveness. Oprah says we HAVE to forgive to move on. I found myself screaming at the TV -- "HOW?!" *sigh* My mom called at the end of the show so maybe I missed the how part. She didn't make me feel better.
I have a good friend who is a child psychologist. Her specialty is attachment. She was an abused child her self, from her dad. She called last night due to an email I sent her. We talked about releasing the dutiful daughter who emerged when my dad arrived and how to begin to do that. She suggested planting a pink rose bush over her "grave." I couldn't believe the tears this brought out. I think I still need that part of me to protect me. She insisted that I don't because I can't get free until I let her go. She wants me to be mom, wife, friend and boss. No more daughter. But if I give this up, aren't I giving up hope of ever having the parents I needed? She didn't push, she knows it is going to take a long time. But I guess it was good that she is thrilled with my therapist, she said, "it sounds like he knows what he is doing. Most of us (meaning psychologists) can't stand the heat of the kitchen you are in and we get out." It gave me a lot to think about.
Today is my wedding anniversary. It started with my husband announcing that he was in a very bad mood, he didn't know why but I should stay away from him for awhile. He said, "it is my turn to brood." I'll take that as a slap.
Tomorrow is Father's day. I want to sit in the dark closet all day. I didn't even send a card. I'm supposed to go to my inlaws but I don't know how to get through that. I'd rather stay home by myself. But that feels really dangerous.
I just realized how morose all this is. Are you sorry you asked? I'll stop now. I do appreciate the support. You have no idea how much I need it.
poster:Daisym
thread:514967
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050615/msgs/515009.html