Posted by daisym on June 17, 2005, at 0:04:32
Things have gone from bad to worse. I yelled at my therapist today. I know it isn't the end of the world but it feels like it. My husband suggested we consider the hospital tonight. First time he has ever done that. And still...I didn't call my therapist.
We talked about anger in today's session. I tried to tell him how dangerous it was for me and why. Little daisy wrote him a "memo" about anger and I read it to him. She got out and told stories of what happened when you were in the way of an angry dad. I was in deep and struggling and then I heard him said, "Come slowly back." And I lost it. Told him this was totally unfair, I wasn't finished or ready to leave. He said, "You're mad at me." Yup! I tried to say it was just hard to leave but the younger part of me want to keep raging: "this hurts too much, therapy is too hard, you are sending me away and you expect me to pull it and keep it together and I just can't anymore!" And, of course, I was crying the whole time I said this. He said, "We should have stopped sooner, had more time to wind down. I get it, this is really hard." I sort of stood up and shook myself and tried to recover by saying, "It isn't your fault. These are the rules. I'm going home." He nodded and asked me to call him tomorrow, said we should talk. All I could do was nod and bolt.
The world crashed in. I spent nearly two hours with a very good friend getting through the worst of the suicidal urges. But I was in tears again by the time my husband got home. I'm scaring him and that isn't right.
I hate this. And I don't think therapy can help. It seems to be making things worse. I can't get through everything I've got going on without support. But how can I look for his support if I'm going to lash out at him? So what do I do now?
poster:daisym
thread:514140
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050615/msgs/514140.html