Posted by Tamar on May 17, 2005, at 17:37:57
In reply to How he would have responded *****Trigger******, posted by messadivoce on May 17, 2005, at 16:09:20
> My biggest regret about my therapy is that I did not tell my T about the csa.
If you weren’t ready, you weren’t ready. You can’t say it until you’re ready.
> I was too ashamed. I think that if I had been forced to tell, I would have curled up and died of humiliation. You see, I still think it was my fault. As though I caused it. And worse, I had biological responses to it that my body couldn't help. There are undeniable consequences that are present in my abilities to be intimate with a man.
Those biological responses are horrible. Inevitable, perhaps, but horrible and extremely confusing. It doesn’t mean you wanted it, or that it was your fault. We just can’t help how our bodies react. But yes, it does cause problems with intimacy later. It can take a long time to recover sexually, but it is possible. It’s hard work (well, I found it hard work) but it’s worth the effort to find pleasure in your own body and in someone else’s.
> I am not sexually active. Maybe that's part of why I'm not. I was raised a certain religious way too. But I think the shame has a lot to do with the fact that I'm 22 and still a virgin. I know, that's very weird these days. Even the gyno I went to in Feb was not good at hiding her shock. So much for professionalism. Anyway.
Are you ashamed about being a virgin? Again, like telling about the CSA, it’s a question of being ready. You have reasons for not being ready, but actually 22 isn’t that young to be a virgin. There’s no ideal age to become sexually active. Many people who have experienced CSA become sexually active at a very young age, possibly to the detriment of their sexual development. It’s probably a good thing to wait until you’re ready. One of my former lovers was 23 before he had sex for the first time, and he didn’t have a history of CSA (as far as I know). He just wanted to be ready. It’s not as unusual as people seem to think.
> I wrote about how it would have been had I told my T. How he would have responded, how he would have looked and sounded, and what he would have said to me. How he would have told me it wasn't my fault. And how I would have cried. I didn't cry in 8 months of therapy with him. But in my story, I let myself sob and cry for a long time.Yes; you need to grieve the loss. And yes, he certainly would have told you it wasn’t your fault. Good that you wrote it down; I’m sure that helps.
> I'm scared that I'm wrong, that he would have reacted by being shocked or blaming me, or saying that I deserved it.
If any T ever said you deserved it, he shouldn’t be a T. I doubt your T would have been shocked; most Ts have heard everything. And no one deserves it. I know what you mean about being afraid of a negative reaction from your T, but I’ve come to believe it’s a projection of how we feel about ourselves. If we feel guilty, we think they might make us feel guilty. And in fact, nothing could be further from the truth. It wasn’t your fault, and he would probably believe that even more strongly than you.
> But I remember how he was with me. He was so gentle. He held me with his eyes and his voice. He made me feel safe. I have to believe that he would have been able to take this info and hold that too, along with everything else.
>
> I miss him so much.Yes, I’m sure he could have held this too, and made you feel safe talking about it. Don’t beat yourself up about being unable to tell him. I can understand the regret at not taking the advantage of the opportunity to say something so important. But there’s a lot to be said for waiting until it’s possible for you. I’m guessing that now it might be more possible.
I know your therapy situation has been rather complicated and difficult recently, but I hope you will be able to start talking about all this in therapy somehow.
Incidentally, my ex-T was a man, and I found it very useful to talk to a man about sexual assault and sexual problems, but there were times when it was very difficult. I think his maleness was an advantage because I found the transference aspect of it ultimately very helpful, though terribly painful. I’m guessing that I might have found a female T easier to talk to about it all, but the transference wouldn’t have been so intense. In my situation I really needed erotic transference to make sense of my body’s reaction to the trauma, and to think about overcoming my problems with sexual intimacy, but it might be different for you.
I hope you are able to find a therapeutic environment in which you can address all this.
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:499027
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050513/msgs/499082.html