Posted by Poet on May 14, 2005, at 14:47:13
The word safe still makes me want to scream.
She asked me if I am feeling safer over the course of time. I shook my head no and said *sorry, it's my problem.*
She said, I don't see it as a problem, it's *your issue.* What are you really afraid of, what are all your fears?
I said rejection and failure...and she cut me off. She said she can talk about both of them, but it's rejection that she wants to work with.
She thinks that I push people away because I am terrified of having relationships including one with her. So I reject people before they can reject me. Even though I know that she isn't going to reject me, I still put up my *walls* and try to shut her out.
That I built those walls because I needed to protect myself from certain people. I don't need to protect myself from everybody. She said that I don't want to admit that a big part of me wants a relationship with her. If I didn't I wouldn't be seeing her every week for over two years. That she wishes that I could just stop being stubborn and realize that my self protection isn't necessary. That I am hurting myself, not helping myself.
She makes complete sense, but I still ran out of her office without leaving her anything I'd written (again.) I feel guilty that I bring things to share with her and then don't. I feel guilty that I know a part of me wants to trust her, but I don't let it. Guilt I can feel, safe I can't.
Poet
poster:Poet
thread:497723
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050513/msgs/497723.html