Posted by 10derHeart on May 2, 2005, at 16:07:34
In reply to I'm Sorry Tenderheart, I was too Aggressive » 10derHeart, posted by Susan47 on May 2, 2005, at 15:31:16
I wouldn't call it agressive, exactly.
I do understand everything you said, and agree in principle. I used to agree in practice - like 95% of my life. That was 50+ pounds ago.
Not now. The simple problem is being overweight makes me hate my physical self. Loathe is even a better word. No amount of harping on me that it's what's inside that counts ever helps. I can't even get close to believing that - *about me*. Hah, maybe that's yet another reason Babble is so safe for me. Even though I may admit to it, y'all don't have to LOOK at me, thank goodness.
So, no, when I detest myself, clothed and unclothed, and think no one should have to be ever forced to look at me, I don't give a dam* about my appearance a good portion of my life. Not at all. I mean, I draw the line at the clean thing. I know what you meant and how it just doesn't always *seem* clean, but fact remains, I am clean, no matter the clothes. You can get up real close and do a smell test, if you like. Fresh, I promise :-)
As I was implying, this issue is big. Okay, it's giagantic for me. I wouldn't even touch it with my ex-T. and you do remember how much I adore(d) him. But, partly because I was attracted to him (sorry-don't you get triggered now - I forbid it!) I was mortified to talk about body image, weight, overeating and all that. Just would have had to hide under the furniture and pass him notes. Can you picture that? Because if I talked about it, I was terrified I'd look up, and he be glancing, whereas before I was just me - a me I thought he respected and liked - and instead he'd be really *seeing* and thinking, "OMG, I forgot to notice that roll, and the double chin, and...."
And of course, that would mean he'd find me disgusting. No projection, there, eh?
Oh dear, I've lost it here. This is awful. I won't talk to my T. now about this either. Though I imagine it's slightly important to talk about both something I swear I WON'T talk about, and something that makes me despise myself down to the core.
It's so ridiculous. Over half my female friends -and a couple males - are moderately to seriously overweight. I adore them. I rarely if ever think of their weight, and only in passing, or if they put themselves down. Yet I can give so many reasons I am different.
I've gone on a self-pitying tangent.
I've probably offended people.
I apologize.
Susan, nothing you said was that bad.
I've badly highjacked Dinah's thread. (sorry :-( )I should not Babble for a while.
I seem to have little control over triggers and their resulting emotional outbursts.
I'm leaving.
Maybe late tonight I'll get control of myself.
Everyone, please disregard me.
Venting doesn't even begin to describe this.
poster:10derHeart
thread:492357
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050428/msgs/492786.html