Posted by daisym on April 6, 2005, at 0:37:37
How do you know what to focus on when you feel so close to the edge? I know the easy answer is "whatever is coming up" but that feels very dangerous. And focusing on nothing is equally as dangerous.
Mostly we've been talking about the feelings and the urges and the struggle to stay safe and resist the impulses. I've asked my therapist a million times if the pressure on him was too great -- would he tell me I'm *really* too hard now? Or worse, would he send me away, tell me I belong in the hospital if I don't stop talking about this? I asked him today why he hasn't brought up the hospital -- and he countered by asking me if I felt I needed to be there. I said no, but I probably did last week, even though I suspect that I would have covered it all up with my "very together" persona had he suggested it. He agreed and said his biggest fear is that I will stop telling him about these feelings and then I'll really be in trouble because I hide it all so well. He keeps emphasizing his availability, even in the middle of the night, and reminds me that he gave me his emergency number so that I could use it if I needed to.
Interwoven into sessions are also discussions about sex -- how it triggers me now, what the abuse meant and lots of dreams. Today I told him that I had a dream that he was going to teach me about sex, about how it can be safe and beautiful, not scary and painful. But in the dream, everytime I consented to try it with him, I would start to cry and he would say I'm not ready yet. It was a complicated dream, with lots of parts and symbols. I told him it made me sad to realize what had been stolen from me -- this ability to feel intimate with someone else. He said it sounded like I was wishing that the connection I've allowed to grow between us, the safety I feel, could be part of my sex life now. I agreed, and I was glad he didn't get all wigged out thinking that I wanted to have sex with him, because it wasn't about that. We did talk about the potential for those feelings, and he said (again) that should those feelings come up, he wanted to hear about them and we would talk about them. He promised that he wouldn't transfer me or otherwise freak out. When I tell him what I've read about other therapists and their responses to sexual feelings, especially on the "net," he just sighs. Today he said, "Aren't you glad I'm old fashioned?" Yup!
It just feels so weird, to go from talking about suicide to talking about sex, to talking about work and then back to suicide. I guess some part of me wonders if I shouldn't concentrate on figuring out why I've dropped so severely into this depressed space. And I know I need to go back to the anger issue. I think I'm afraid to do that.
I feel like I should move off of this and "get back to work." I'd appreciate input or suggestions.
poster:daisym
thread:480557
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050329/msgs/480557.html