Posted by Shortelise on March 10, 2005, at 23:55:22
termination.
I saw my T today, and I mentioned that sometimes I think I should just not see him anymore, that I should get on with my life.
He thought it was a good idea. That it's time, that I'm ready, that continuing to see him keeps me regressed.
I feel so hurt, so sad, so sick (too much chocolate, that would be. I was hoping to comfort myself with chocolate, but when the pain is so great, a person tends to overeat and feel sick afterwards).
My heart is broken. Part of me wants to find a big stick and poke it in my eye and say, look at how bad I feel, I poked myself in the eye because I feel so bad.
Another part of me wants to be the rational, gracious woman I know I can be, and see him a few more times, weep copiously, and go on my merry way.
And yet another part of me wants to blame him, wants to hate him, wants to see him as a betrayer, the filthy swine. How could he seduce me into believing he cared, that he understood me, that he would stand with me, and now want me to go?
Yes, he says I could see him every few months, call him if I need to, see him more often if something comes up. He says he would be there for me. He is kind, caring, gentle, and a filthy burp.
I feel I did it all wrong, that if I were younger, prettier, kinder, thinner, more intelligent, better ... he would not send me away.
Yet I know that he is right, it's time, and why can't I let these old feelings go...
I am so so sad. I have cried so much today my head aches. My husband called and left him a message to please call, and he never called back. More betrayal.
So, if I'm lucky, I'll see him two or three more times in the next couple of months. And then this part of my life will be over. I feel like an orphan. And I so want to hate him.
ShortE
poster:Shortelise
thread:469529
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050305/msgs/469529.html