Posted by Aphrodite on March 9, 2005, at 13:29:48
I travelled back to my childhood home and schools about an hour out of town for the first time in many, many years. I had this fear I was delusional, and needed to sort of "pinch" myself about all the abuse. What a reality check! I became so terribly flooded and confused and realized the source of a lot of it was that I was afraid my T didn't "get it" or believe me or whatever. I panicked. It was a mix of old hurt and new hurts, and the pain was so intense, I emergency paged my T for the first time. For a few minutes after he called me back while in my car, I just asked him to sit with me. I started crying and saying that I didn't feel believed by him. He seemed distant, said psychobabble validating things like, "That must feel terrible to think I don't believe," when I really needed reassurance that he did. Realizing his call was making things worse, I ended the conversation after he extracted a promise that I would call him when I returned home and described the route back to my house to him.
When I called him after I got home, he already realized why we hadn't connected. Then, he shocked me and asked to take the road trip with me. "Let's go together -- take me to the places, let me feel all of that pain with you. I know you need me to understand and that way I will." I glossed over it, and he insisted and said, "It just came over me that this is the answer." We often do a meditation where he and I walk, I am a child, and he accompanies me on my solitary trip across the farm where I went when bad things happened. He said, "I want to really take that walk. It's important for me to understand."
I'm touched, overwhelmed, and scared to death at the same time. Any advice? He continues to remind me to let him know when the time is right. On one hand, I think it would be incredibly healing since isolation and loneliness is one of the major themes of our work. On the other hand, I just think that he already gives way too much.
poster:Aphrodite
thread:468771
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050305/msgs/468771.html