Posted by vwoolf on February 16, 2005, at 13:07:36
In reply to Good to see you » vwoolf, posted by Dinah on February 15, 2005, at 17:33:52
> I was about to post a "Where is vwoolf" post.
>
> I hope you're well?Hi Dinah and Sabrina, thanks for thinking about me. I've been quiet for some time because so many things seem to have been happening in my life - mostly around therapy unfortunately.
The saga with my H has continued unabated, and we finally started couple's therapy last week. It hasn't stopped us quarrelling yet - another HUGE row this evening, with him following me from room to room shouting, until I ended up huddled on the floor in a corner of our bedroom. I must have looked so pathetic and crazy at that point that he was forced to withdraw. What tomorrow will bring I don't know. What makes it hard is that I actually understand what he is going through, and his anger, but I can't allow his pain and rage to negate my existance any longer. It's a horrible place to be.
But this brings us to four mental health specialists for a family of three. Talk about the dysfunctional family! It also means that I am seeing T's just about every day of the week! Oh God.
I have also been speaking to the head of the mental hospital where I spent some time many years ago. She has agreed to take me around the hospital, to try and process what I went through. My T supports me in this project, but she says I will be shocked. I feel very nervous and emotional about this. I really want to do it, but I am terrified that it will confirm my feelings of madness. It's probably not the best time to be doing this, but I may not have the courage later. A few weeks ago I also visited the home where I grew up - it brought up some powerful feelings and memories around the csa and neglect, but started an amazing process of working through things, and understanding them for the first time. I honestly haven't had much time for PB with all this going on.
I am still visiting the s&m chat rooms regularly - I know it is repeating the csa, and I know I do it when I need care, like I did with my father, but with all the fighting in the house, I am often in need of care. And I can't phone my T every time I feel hurt. I wish I could find some other way to soothe myself, but nothing really seems to work.
poster:vwoolf
thread:458175
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050211/msgs/458779.html