Posted by 10derheart on January 13, 2005, at 15:44:13
In reply to I heard from my former T :-(, posted by messadivoce on January 13, 2005, at 13:52:56
(((Voce))) You poor thing. This was part of the risk that goes with the bravery of putting yourself out there with the letter. I'm so very sorry you're going through this. I know NOTHING I say right now is probably going to make it better at all. But I'll share some thoughts.
I won't contradict what you said about him never being there for you again. If I did, we'd both be trying to live in denial and avoid the essense of life itself. Which I've come to believe IS these separations, changes and transitions, and how we respond to them. So, you're right. When we lose a therapist, they are gone. Not always in the sense of it feeling like they've died (eg can never talk to them again), but as far as the relationship we had. It hurts. It's terrible and we even think we can't live through it. There isn't much of anything we can do to change that, only maybe share the pain here on Babble. And do let yourself cry - a lot - if necessary. It will get better, I promise you, it will, but according to your own timeline for grieving.
I have experienced the tremendous frustration, confusion and betrayal when you lay out deep, raw emotion (because you learned to *trust* them with that) and get back something far less than you hoped for. I really do know how that feels. Not good. I'm guessing maybe he kept it short, semi-professional and avoided the most sensitive and important feelings? Is that close? I hate that, but as crazy as this may sound to you, I was able to come to accept it. I even I think I understand and appreciate it now.
I think a former T. *must* put your ultimate, long-term well-being first by exercising a LOT of restraint. They may have powerful feelings they'd like to return back, at least to say how much they do understand ours, but it's just the wrong thing to do. They still have an obligation to us as former clients. This is *important* and it should drive them to think deeply about this post-therapy contact, and then do only what they honestly feel will benefit us. I'm imagining it can't be easy to decide what to do, and they walk a fine line. How to allow some contact and comfort, but also move the process forward so you can let the relationship go? The trouble is, it's *NOT* what we want at that moment we're reaching out, and we feel cheated and hurt.
I've given this a lot of thought. If my former T. had responded to every feeling, every topic, answered all my extrememly emotional questions, I really think things would be worse for me now. The separation, however graceful or awkward, however skilled or lousy they are at it, however long or short of a time it takes, does have to happen eventually.
Voce, sweetie, what I'm so clumsily trying to say is, if our old Ts engaged us at the same level, or tried to recreate that lovely, intimate feeling from the therapy-room, well...then what? Where does it end? They are not our therapists any more, no matter how we'd like to run screaming through the streets, "But I still *feel* the same!! I need you. I miss you," and more. Trying to see it through their eyes, I think if they really care and are really working hard at this, they know that later on down this road, we'd be hurt *even worse* (and enraged at them) when they had to pull back, stop contact, etc., after *teasing* us back into a false sense of closeness that can't go on.
Hope that make a little sense. Feel free to want to throw things at me and curse me - I totally understand. These are just things to think about maybe in the future. I know I had a T. who was more skilled and who allowed a ton of *transitional therapy* by email so I could let go bit by tiny bit. He still is okay with *touching base* but keeps it brief but friendly, so as not to *start anything* or intrude upon my work with new T. I am so blessed and I know I had the best possible way of handling it. And you didn't, and that's so, so, so *not fair*. I don't mean to sound like I *get* all your feelings. No - because too much of our similar paths have been different. I hope I've not made it worse.
Please post more when you feel like it. You know there's a ton of warmth here for you. I will be around if I can help. ((((Voce)))) - 10der
poster:10derheart
thread:441659
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050111/msgs/441706.html