Posted by alexandra_k on January 9, 2005, at 15:02:06
In reply to See, here's the thing (trigger, I guess), posted by Dinah on January 9, 2005, at 12:37:35
Ok now so I haven't been keeping up with things terribly well - but whats going on?
> My therapist is wrong. It's no different during the bereavement period. Nobody cares how you feel as long as you're good and don't cause trouble.
Maybe people don't know what to do or how to be? A lot of people are thoughtless (compared to us wonderfully sensitive individuals here). They don't get that little gestures of thoughtfulness can really go a long way. Bereavement is hard. It is hard to know what to say to others and it is hard to know how to be around them. Some people cope with bereavement by throwing everything into their work and they power on by avoiding the issue. I am not one of them. I am not sure whether your anger is aimed at your employers (you say that you are indespensible and can't have time off but if you end up spinning out big time by powering on then at the end of the day they will lose you for a time AND THEY WILL JUST HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT). Or maybe this is about your husband (maybe too?) - I don't know. Same situation there too maybe?
I do have sympathy for your sentiments. Its the kind of thing I say when I am not in a good place too.
> But I'm not a good girl, and I'm going to be as bad as I possibly can be without anyone knowing. And it's going to feel good for me to know what they don't know. It's going to feel good to know that I know what they're doing to me, even if they don't. Every single time they hurt me, I'm going to hurt myself. Not so it will show. Because the point is not for them to know.Oh yeah, I have been there before. I have the scars to prove it. I won't say that 'the only one you are hurting is yourself' because that is the point - isn't it. Turning it inward and punishing yourself because you are not one of those people who can just power on. Hurting yourself in protest that you have to 'be good' to be cared for or accepted or at least not detested.
> I *hate* being good for them. I hate being good for people who don't care. I want to bite and kick, but I guess I am too good for that.
Why is the facade of goodness so important to you?
f*ck them.
Really. You have decided that anyway but you have decided to protest in a way that won't even effect them. The only way others will learn to take better care of you is if you learn how to elicit that from them. SI is not the way. How long is this going to go on for?There must be another way.
For my sake as well.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:439740
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050105/msgs/439787.html