Posted by Skittles on December 27, 2004, at 21:45:42
I'm going to start with a warning that LOTS of things are jumbled in my head and I need to get them out. I'm not sure if I can make it seem coherent, but I will try my best.
Some background... My last appt with T was on the 20th. She knows I have a hard time calling her, so she asked if I would like her to call me. I told her I'd appreciate that. We aren't going to be able to meet again until the 6th and she told me that if I needed her, she would come in to see me during her vacation. She asked if I would be able to tell her if I needed her when she called. I told her probably not. Her response was that she was afraid of that and she suggested we just go ahead and set something up. In an effort to be the *good* patient who is perfectly grown up and independent, I declined - even though my insides were absolutely screaming yes.
So, yesterday we celebrated the holiday with my parents and some of my father's extended family. My father and his cousin started talking about the terrible tempers that their fathers (who were brothers) had/have. They described so many characteristics that were my own father to a T. That on it's own was bad enough to listen to. But then they started to share stories of physical abuse they had suffered at the hands of these men (one of whom is my grandfather, of course). Horrible, horrible stories. I didn't think I was going to make it. It was all I could do to hold back the tears. I couldn't even LOOK at my parents. I found myself thinking of the kinds of things I would be telling if I were participating in the conversation and the people who had mistreated me weren't right there beside me. How dare my father sit there and tell those stories with tears in his eyes when he'd done the same or worse to me - and to do it right in front of me???? But at the same time, I feel so very very sorry for him. He seems to remember everything in great detail. I only remember fragments and I think I am grateful for that. And I find myself wishing I could talk to him about how these things are coming up for both of us at the same time because in that way, he feels like a kindred. But this kindred is also my abuser!!! These conflicting feelings make the pain so much more intense and I feel like I am sinking.
Well, today when my T called as she promised she would, I told her a little about this experience. She again offered to meet with me during her vacation and this time I told her that I wanted to, but that I hated interrupting her private time. Then she asked if I could wait until Wednesday morning and I told her I could. I asked her if she promised that this was not a problem. Her response was that she had to see someone in the hospital (right by her office, btw) and that if she wasn't there right on time, she WOULD be there. Ok, not exactly the reassurance I was looking for. I perceive it as, "Well, I have to go see this bad patient who went and got herself hospitalized during my break, so I might as well see my other bad patient too." Point is, the guilt and discomfort is through the roof.
Next problem.... My mother, who is also a T, recently moved her office into a different suite in the same building (small building) my own T is in. I can't even begin to explain how invaded I feel by that. There are things I can't even begin to talk about in therapy because I'm afraid I'll be *found out* by my mother. I'm always afraid I'm going to run into her while I'm there and I do my best to hide my car and sneak in and out of my T's office. It's miserable. Anyway, I agreed to Wednesday with my T because I didn't think my mother would be there, as she usually works elsewhere on Wednesdays. But I just spoke with her and found out she plans to do some organizing in her office that day. What makes this so very different from usual is that no one in the building is working this week, so if my mother sees me there, she will absolutely KNOW that something is up. I am very much considering calling my T to cancel. But the idea of calling and disturbing her makes me feel like even more of a bad patient. I don't know what to do. The thought of going under these conditions has my stomach in knots. I feel ill.
Thanks for listening.
poster:Skittles
thread:434818
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041218/msgs/434818.html