Posted by Aphrodite on December 18, 2004, at 19:25:29
In reply to BIG Setback (Long -- as usual), posted by Aphrodite on December 17, 2004, at 18:04:31
Thanks for the feedback, everyone. It's been a hard night and day. My T left a message for me last night. His voice cracked; he sounded distraught. He said he was concerned and wanted me to call him over the weekend if there was anything he could do to make things better.
I was momentarily snapped out of my own misery to realize he must be suffering, too. Then, I felt terribly that I was making such a big deal out of it.
But it feels like a *huge* deal to me. I felt forced to go to her to begin with. Then, he sympathized with the experience but was quick to mention all his other patients liked her. Finally, we decided she was not a good match, and I felt understood. Then he consulted with her and tried to be above the fray again, and I felt pressured to return to the scene of the crime. It's like he's forcing the young and wounded part of me to grow up and be mature just to salvage his working relationship with this pdoc.
Grown up Aphrodite knows that I am just reliving childhood trauma, but that knowledge doesn't make it hurt any less.
I left a message for him today. Good grief, this is the first time I've ever called him on a weekend. It felt like another blow to my independece and another step in being too much for him. Anyway, I said that I wanted him to protect me, fight for me, be completely on my side without question. I said I doubted I would ever be able to talk about the painful things again.
I missed his return calls, but he left reassuring messages for me that he was committed to working it out, to please keep working with him, and that he was so sorry for causing me to suffer further. Then he said that he wouldn't let the wounded parts of me to be silenced by this, that he would keep fighting for me to have a voice.
How do this psychodynamic T's do it? Trauma patients like me are so difficult and such a strain.
I'm torn between wanting to be mature, wanting to take care of my overworked T, and wanting to indulge my inner child all her pain. This is taking a lot of energy.
Thanks again for your helpful posts.
poster:Aphrodite
thread:430994
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041218/msgs/431407.html