Posted by Aphrodite on December 17, 2004, at 18:04:31
Refresher -- I went to a hideous pdoc who implicitly blamed me for my csa and subsequent trauma. My T was angry with me and helped me write a letter to "fire" her. He was in complete agreement. After a year in therapy, I still have only danced around the details of the csa. Everytime I would try to talk, I would freak out, quit, flood, withdraw, etc. So, the pdoc was part of my "wise" plan to get other support in place before trying again. However, she ripped it wide open, I felt retraumatized, so my T says, "Well, it's out there. Let's go . . ."
So yesterday was my first session actually saying anything beyond my age, place, and person. I actually got out details between sobs. He was wonderful -- he said and did all the right things. He called me later to check on me and was reassuring and kind.
And yet . . .
There was this huge wave of fear and panic. I had a dream that he was a hidden child abuser as well and I caught him. I felt so exposed and vulnerable, and as much as I wanted his support and connection, just as equally I wanted to run and hide.
Today he called to tell me that the pdoc called him after receiving my letter. She offered to make things better. She wanted to establish parameters on what we would discuss. "What do you think?" he said.
I lost it! I sobbed and said he was trying to send me back to someone who abused me. I asked him what he had said, and he said he tried to stay out of the middle of it and to be open-minded. I was so hurt. I cried that I wanted him to be on my side, that he should have defended me, that I didn't feel believed. I felt that all the support and validation he had given to me at the time was disingenious. He was silent and then said, "I can't believe how I've hurt you."
I kept trying to get off the phone because I knew I was being irrational and hysterical. He kept insisting we work through it. He said he understood that it seemed like he was checking on me and that he would possibly side with her. He asked what I wished he would have done. I said that he should have told her off for me and told her all the damage she had done. He said I was right, that he was not being a good advocate for me. He said he was just trying to get me the meds I needed (one of the options was to use her as a transition pdoc) and thought she had seen the error of her ways. I asked, "If the man who abused me saw the error of his ways, should I have forgiven him and been sent back to him?"
It is amazing how these old feelings get relived. I feel like my premontion about it being unwise to let my guard down was so right. My defense mechanisms are definitely there for a reason. This hurts worse than anything. I feel betrayed. I feel like the two grown-up professionals had a consultation about the irrational little girl and were trying to make her behave. Yuck.
I finally hung up because his apologies weren't helping -- they were making me feel bad because I know he did not set out to intentionally harm me.
I've gone dormant and silent again. He said on the phone that my trust in him has been rightfully broken. Now I am worse than before I started. In fact, I was much better before I ever went down this therapy road. I can't help but think I'm not meant to be well. I feel it in the core of my being.
poster:Aphrodite
thread:430994
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041210/msgs/430994.html