Posted by Daisym on December 17, 2004, at 11:42:05
Yesterday I was going through the list of things that I was worried about with my therapist. I have been frantic the past two days, bordering on hysteria, about my therapy space being invaded and about getting into trouble about talking about all the csa stuff. I have been also unable to edit myself very much, there is this free-flow coming from little daisy, who has completely taken over right now. So here is how it went:
T: "What are you afraid will happen?"
Me: "I will wreck our relationship by being too demanding or too weepy or too needy."
T: "what do you mean by wreck?"
Me: "You will pull away, emotionally, OR, you will be more unavailable."
T: "Do you feel me pulling away?"
Me: "No, but I feel the need to, metaphorically, cling to you desperately. And that terrifies me."
T: "Why? We've been here before."
Me: "Because this time it has been set off by something so selfish and childish. I'm worried you will get frustrated and mad that I'm perseverating on this."
T: "What would happen if I got mad?"
Me: "Hmmm...anger is scary. I'd have to figure out how to fix it, to repair things."
T: "Do you have any thoughts about how you would do that?"I went really quiet and looked at the window. He said, "It's OK. Don't go away. Tell me." So I did.
Me:"I've been having very disturbing thoughts about how much power you have over me, given the level of my attachment. There is an underlying fear that getting my needs met comes at a price and you pay this price using sexual currency. I'm don't know that I would say "no" to you. More concerning, I'm not sure that I wouldn't offer certain things in order to prevent an abandonment." And then I curled up into a tiny ball on the couch and floated completely away in my tears.
He asked more questions, trying to figure out what caused these thought. We traced it back to Thanksgiving and the rupture we suffered there. I spent nearly two weeks trying to figure out how to reconnect and get the relationship back on track. And of course, we talked about my history and how the cycle of anger/hitting/apologies/sex from a beloved parent was so confusing. I *was* paying to get my needs met.
And of course, I dropped this on him with only 15 minutes left in our session. He spent sometime reassuring me that these feelings were normal and he understood that they weren't sexual desires based on erotic feelings for him. They were more "fall back weapons" to combat anger. And he said whenever there is a deep attachment it was probable that sexual feelings would emerge at some point. And he said I was completely safe with him, that it would "never happen." I tried to tell him that I didn't mean to disrespect him or accuse him of anything. He said he totally knew that.
I was still a wreck. I told him I shouldn't have told him, that now I would have to really monitor how I was coming across and that it would change how we relate to each other. And that now I was really even more terrified that he would refer me to a female therapist. I couldn't leave, it was like a blind panic. He got me to calm down and said he would like to touch base in a couple of hours, based on the intensity of the session.
He told me on the phone that he was glad I told him, that it didn't change anything. I promised to not hurt myself and to try and sleep. And I pointed out that my ego was a little bruised by his quick, "never going to happen." He said he couldn't win in this situation...female egos! But seriously, he did provide a sense of safety again, not that I won't still worry about being too much, etc.
I haven't seen this particular issue on the board before. Has anyone else expressed this kind of concern or talked about sexual feelings/fears about their therapist? I guess I'm trying to normalize this for myself. And I KNOW that this is still all coming from little daisy.
She needs to take a nap.
poster:Daisym
thread:430810
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041210/msgs/430810.html