Posted by shrinking violet on November 28, 2004, at 21:10:03
In reply to Re: My T drove by MY apartment.... » shrinking violet, posted by Dinah on November 28, 2004, at 9:54:00
>> I think every single one of us wants to be special to our therapist. To have our therapist think of us in a different way from their other clients. To be the one they want to be friends or lovers with.
--True. It's complicated, of course, and somewhat different for everyone. In my case (and try not to cringe too much when you hear this, lol) my T tells me I'm different than her other clients, she tells me I'm important, she tells me our relationship is unique, she tells me I only get the side of her that I get and she isn't that way with other clients (being more open about herself, telling me how she feels about me, or even about some things in general in her life, etc). I know, though, that my T wouldn't want to be friends with me in real life. Not that she's ever said that, I just don't think I'm the type of person she'd be friends with for a lot of reasons. In a way though, that's more motivation for me to change and try to become "better" and more like someone she would think of seeing socially, although, again, I know it would never happen.
>>I think it's DISASTROUS for a therapist to admit to any of that. Of everything you've told us about your therapist, I think that's what bothers me most. It sets up expectations that a therapist just can't deliver on. Which is a sure recipe for pain. It changes the therapeutic frame so that it's too much a two way friendship as opposed to being about you. Maybe I'm worrying too much about it. As long as you aren't putting too many expectations into what she said, maybe it's harmless or perhaps even helpful in your specific case. I just think it's generally a bad idea.
--In terms of her driving by, I'm not really putting any specific expectation or meaning into it. And, in general, I don't think I put any expectations on her at all. Do I hope for things? Sure. Do I know that they can't or won't happen? Sure. And on another level I feel immensely blessed and lucky to find a T who does give me more than I could have ever hoped for or expected from a relationship like this. Some of it may be debatable, or even "damaging" in itself in some way, but at the same time I do value it and I do know she is just being herself, just being very genuine and trying so very hard, and I really can't fault her for that.
>> My therapist has said on occasion that I'm special because I'm his longest term client. But that's a very impersonal reason to be special, and I don't think it affects the relationship any. And it's balanced by the myriad ways I know I annoy him to death.--Well I annoy my T too, I'm sure, much more than she'd admit! :) My T has told me that she doesn't work with clients on a long-term basis very often (she's a T at a University)and that is partly why I'm important to her and a priority of hers. But I don't think it's the main reason, although I couldn't presume to know for sure. And I think most of our T's do feel a lot more for their clients than they let on, and do have different relationships with different clients. Mine just happens to be more open with how she feels and how she perceives things. Maybe that's good, maybe it isn't, maybe it's a bit of both. But it is how it is.
>>Her personal flaws - well, they all have them. It'd be best for her and her clients if someone did point out how they interfere in therapy. I'm not at all shy about pointing those things out to my therapist.
--Hm, I'm not sure I could do that. I guess we're back to my taking care of her too much, but I wouldn't risk hurting her in some way. Tuesday I am going to have to tell her a few things that she does that I am struggling with right now because it's relating to some trouble I've been having (nothing really personally related to her though, more therapy based I guess); this is related to my other post so I won't get into much detail here, but I feel that I have no other choice right now to tell her I think her interpretation of something I said is wrong and I need to try to be very clear with her in what I need right now. That's probably as close as I'd ever come to point anything out to her. :) It's rather interesting though, now that you've said that, because according to her she has "consulted" with other T's about my case, and I know the director of the counseling center knows a lot about me as well...I'm surprised no one has said to her that maybe she's too involved with me emotionally, etc. Actually (and you might want to sit down for this one Dinah, lol) a few weeks ago my T said "do you realize that I have had it pointed out to me in meetings that I practically tear up when I talk about you, and my inability to reach you?" I was very surprised to hear that: very surprised it happens, but also surprised she'd admit it to me. Then she went onto say that other people have pointed out to her that this "relationship" might be hurting her. And then she said if I ever thought she didn't care, or that she was frustrated or annoyed, that I missed it by a hundred miles. So, I'm not sure what all of that means, exactly. Is she aware of the depth of her involvement or not? Have other T's pointed it out to her or not? Does she share with them how involved she might be, or what she tells me, or does she try to hide it (um, except when she cries)? I don't know.
Thanks for your thoughts Dinah. I hope I wasn't too defensive of her? I get that way sometimes. But as I wrote to LG04, opinions about my T, especially ones not so favorable, do make me think a bit and do validate that part of me that thinks that maybe she might be doing some damage as well.
Thank you,
SV
poster:shrinking violet
thread:420634
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041123/msgs/421600.html