Posted by shrinking violet on November 27, 2004, at 22:31:53
In reply to Re: My T drove by MY apartment...., posted by LG04 on November 27, 2004, at 11:10:22
Hi LG04; I appreciate your thoughts. I responded to some points below....
>> I would be very upset if my therapist drove by my apartment. To me, it would suggest some kind of neediness on her part towards me. I would feel very violated as well.
--Interesting take. Most of me doesn't really mind, I was just surprised that she did so, and more surprised that she told me about it. And in some small way, I sort of like what it might imply, that maybe she has some neediness on her part, or maybe concern, etc. At the same time, a very small part of me is a bit perturbed that she feels that she is entitled to be able to ask where I live and find out, and then drive by, when I can't ask the same of her. But that's probably just being petty about the inequality of this relationship, and if I really didn't want her to know where I lived I could have not told her (hm, could I? I think she would have pressed it, or acted insulted or hurt that I wouldn't tell her, but that's just speculation of course).
>> I have read about all your struggles with your therapist over the past months, including the post you wrote below. I am not in your shoes and I don't know everything about your relationship with her. I don't usually like to give straight out advice or opinions. But as you asked for feedback, I do want to say that it doesn't sound very healthy to me. And I don't think it's your fault. I think it's the therapist's job to regulate the relationship (boundaries, etc.) and to give you a feeling of safety and of being protected (emotionally). Sometimes the therapist even has to protect the client from the therapist him/herself. It has always seemed to me that your therapist has poor boundaries and a lot of neediness towards you and this would be terribly confusing and guilt-causing and so many things, and it would definitely make for an unhealthy therapeutic relationship (not to mention that it would be difficult to open up to her...it makes so much sense that it's hard for you to express yourself in therapy).--I always appreciate opinions like this about my T, just because my instincts tell me that you're right, even though I'm never sure whether I'm overreacting, etc. I think my T can be somewhat needy and vulnerable in general; we even had a recent discussion about this and she admitted as much to me (which I already suspected just from knowing her, but it was intersting to hear her validate it). I somehow doubt she is this way with her other clients, though. In a way I do value that part of her. I value that she is very caring and open with herself, at least with me. In another way, it does complicate things on my end a lot, and I do feel like I need to take care of her and I worry about her, etc, which I also think she likes/needs on some level (again, just my view and it could be wrong). But as you said, I also feel like she isnt really "protecting" me as much as I would like (to use your word, which seems to fit perfectly), and I feel like she may be in over her head with me. You made me think when you said that this sort of relationship can be contributing to my not being able to talk to her. Now, I've had this problem with a lot of people (she's the only T I've ever seen, but when I talk with people who try to get to o much out of me personally or who try to see "into" me too much, or even with people of authority like doctors, police, even concerned friends who try to have too serious a conversation, I clam up and can't talk), so not being able to talk with her isn't a surprise. It seems to be getting a bit better, but it's slow and really hard for me to fight all the crap that makes me not want to talk to her. But I hadn't thought that the relationship itself or the way she is with me might make it that much harder. Do you know WHY that might be? I'm interested to hear any further thoughts on this, if you have any.
>> Personally I was relieved when I saw that you left your therapist. I know that it was a difficult decision. At the time I wasn't in a place at all to be able to write on this forum, I have been going thru so much with leaving my own therapist (not to mention moving to a different country and starting my entire life over). So I am sorry that I didn't express my support for your decision at the time.--That's okay, thank you. I probably would have gone back to her anyway. I know on some level that maybe she isn't the best T for me, but she's the one I started with and I don't want to start over with someone else, and I only get to see her until I graduate in May anyway, so I feel like I want to try hard to make this work with her, in some way.
>> I don't know if this is helpful or not, what I can say is that it's honest. It's hard to trust ourselves when we know that we have so many issues and we always ask, is it her, or is it me? Even here on Babble, we have different opinions about your relationship with her. But I get very uneasy feelings from what you write about her (my therapist tells me that I am very good about noticing the second i feel that someone is crossing my boundaries...).--Thank you, I do value your opinions. I'm not sure whether there's much I can DO about it, per se, especially since I don't want to quit with her right now. Opinions like yours though do serve to validate that part of me that says "something isn't right here." So thank you.
>>None of this is to say that she doesn't care about you or anything like that. It's just to say that, in my humble opinion, she seems to have way too many issues that she needs to work thru and she puts a lot of them on you and that is terribly unfair. I'm sure she isn't doing it intentionally. But your job is to protect yourself, not her. It should be her job too, and she's not doing it.
--I know. I know she does care (maybe too much??). If you met her, you would meet a very caring, open, warm, genuine, admirable woman. It's hard not to be drawn into her, in a way. And I think she has a lot of needs and insecurites and vulnerabilities of her own that she brings to the table, but as you said, I'm not sure she's aware of how much she lets them intrude on the therapy (again though, I question whether she is this way with her other clients. She says she isn't, so that's what I'm going on. For some reason I think because of our relationship, they [her issues] are much more prominent with me).
>>I know this is strong, I guess I've been reading your posts for a while without responding so it's all coming out in this one post.-No, it's okay, I do appreciate your point of view. Actually I almost prefer to hear opinions like yours becuase it does validate that small part of me that wonders if something isn't quite right with this relationship, but then I question that part of me because I haven't had any other experiences to draw from, and because what would I know, I'm "just" the client (and maybe not the best judge, by default!).
>> Whatever you decide to do, I support you. It's very difficult to leave a therapist no matter what, and especially because there usually are also good things to say about them and real feelings of caring, etc. It's not all bad. And I don't dislike your therapist. I just think that overall, she's not good for you and that you deserve someone better able to separate herself from you and focus on your needs and your needs only. Otherwise, yes, I believe therapy can be damaging. (or unhelpful at best)--THANK YOU LG. I appreciate the honesty with which you wrote this response. :-) I'm sure someday I'll return to it in a time of need; who knows what may happen in the long run with her.
Thank you so much. Take care.
SV
poster:shrinking violet
thread:420634
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041123/msgs/421133.html