Posted by underthecs on November 12, 2004, at 19:41:02
ok. i'm really afraid to post this. afraid someone will see and "know" it's me. but i've pretty much hit bottom with nowhere else to go; no other options. i'm at the end of my rope with this and often wish when i am falling asleep that i just won't wake up. i keep coming back to this place over and over and nothing changes.
my issue is (or maybe it's all just made up) that i have a vague sense that something happened to me when i was young. no explicit memories, just a feeling. about two years ago, i had to cease having sex with my husband completely (unless i was drinking or abusing pills, which i like to do to stop the anxiety). our sex life was fine before that...great at the beginning of our relationship. and then it became a chore. and the last two years, aside from having no interest, it repulses me. when he touches me, i recoil. it grosses me out. makes me feel like i am going to throw up. i have unexplained vaginal pain... have been to the doctor and nothing is wrong. panic attacks and anxiety are the norm. i am afraid of the dark. when i am home alone, i am always afraid someone is watching me... i sort of sense this. when i get overwhelmed like that, it helps to sort of sit and rock back and forth and "space out." because i have no real memories, it makes me feel really crazy. i have weird pains in my legs and arms. when my husband rubs my neck, i get grossed out and feel like someone is going to choke me if i don't make him move his hand. i have to have my own comforter at night... i have to be swaddled in it and he has to use a separate blanket. at the beginning of all of this, i actually put pillows between us down the length of the bed so he absolutely could not touch me. if i go through with sex just to let him have his... i am numb and just waiting for it to be over. anyway, i was just wondering if anyone else has ever felt this but with no explicit memory of abuse. am i just crazy?
poster:underthecs
thread:415216
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041104/msgs/415216.html