Posted by mandinka on October 21, 2004, at 0:23:49
In reply to Re: It's raining, inside and out (trigger potential) » mandinka, posted by Daisym on October 20, 2004, at 10:54:48
I talked to T2 today about you, daisy. She said that when a person feels like killing him/herself it is about anger that instead of being directed outward at the real culprit gets directed inward, at yourself. I guess this gives your inner child an illusion of control. If you believe "I'm bad" then it means things that happened to you were CAUSED by you, because of the way you are. There's power in it. It protects you from the realisation that you had no control over what was happening to you. Another thing - when you were a child you couldn't freely express your outrage at your abusers and now you continue to keep this anger pent up inside you in the form of self-hatred. Why not finally express this rage? How about some good anger work with your T? Screaming and beating the hell out of big, ugly pillows is sooooo much fun and very empowering!
Indeed, facing the reasons you hate yourself and taking them apart to see they are a huge lie, would definitely be a good thing, when you're in a better frame of mind.
I think it also wouldn't be a bad idea to keep that list of good things about you right next to the pills, so the next time you want to reach for them, you can reach for the list first...
I wish I could look you straight in the eyes when I say this, so you know that I mean it: Your badness is a grand illusion, a mere coping strategy. An emotional notion that you had control over things that were in fact beyond your control. Bad is NOT who you are! You are not bad, so why should you end your life over an illusion?! The truth is that behind this veil of self-deception hides goodness and love. Your therapist is smart enough to know that too. That's why Ts' job is to shower you with unconditional positive regard (without being a pushover and an enabler) - so you can finally accept that it is exactly what you deserve. Unconditional love and acceptance.
As for your friends: ever thought how many of them fake it too? I bet you'd be surprised if you found out the truth. In fact, from what I know most people wear a mask. Me included. You are not special in this respect. It's a sign that you weren't accepted for who you truly are as a child. Here's another two cents worth of my so-called wisdom: you do not have to earn love or friendship. Try this approach: if you don't feel comfortable being yourself around those people, then maybe they simply aren't right for you?! Why always look for fault in yourself?
Hang in there with us, daisy!
poster:mandinka
thread:405006
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041016/msgs/405354.html