Posted by fallsfall on October 8, 2004, at 12:47:47
In reply to I quit therapy- Feeling Very Sad (Long), posted by Poet on October 7, 2004, at 15:42:17
(((((Poet)))))
> I realized that I will never be able to open up in therapy. That even writing the painful stuff down and letting her read it wouldn't get me to talk about it. I told her that I just can't do therapy and that I quit.
*** "Never" is a pretty strong word. Are you more open than you were when you started with her? These things really do take (lots and lots and lots and lots of) time. It seems to me that if you went back to school and stopped calling yourself "stupid" that you really have made significant progress in therapy so far.
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> I thought I'd be okay with my decision, but I've been crying for four hours straight. I left the only person who has ever told me that they cared about me. The only person who can see beyond all the negativity and sarcasim and see someone who is loveable.
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> She asked if she had said something last week to cause this. I told her that it was a combination of pdoc asking me about progress in therapy, feeling more suicidal and that after two years I just don't see that therapy will ever work for me.*** As I've said before, I really doubt that your pdoc was being critical of you or her or the therapy you have done together. If you need something more right now (in this suicidal stage), that doesn't mean that what you've been doing is wrong or not helpful. It may mean that at this particular moment your brain chemistry and environment have conspired to make your life more difficult. There is no shame in getting additional help when you are in a difficult period. Where would you be if you *hadn't* been in therapy? (Probably still out of school...?)
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> We talked about progress (there is some: I went back to school and no longer call myself stupid.) What more we need to work on and then she said that she doesn't recommend that I quit.
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*** If she thought you could never "do" therapy, she would not recommend that you stay.> She was so sweet about me leaving. I feel so bad. She told me to take her out of the picture, don't try to imagine what she's feeling about me leaving. But that's so hard. She looked sad. I didn't think she'd look sad, I thought she'd be happy to be rid of a pain like me. She wasn't.
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*** "I thought she'd be happy to be rid of a pain like me. She wasn't."
***"I thought she'd be happy to be rid of a pain like me. She wasn't."
***"I thought she'd be happy to be rid of a pain like me. She wasn't.> I've been crying since I left her office and I just can't stop.
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> What I'm crying about is the loss of someone who honestly cared about me and wanted to help me. I just couldn't let her help me. I don't think I can let anyone help me.*** First of all, it sounds like she *HAS* helped you.
***Second of all, let's say (for the sake of argument) that she hasn't helped you - because you couldn't let her. The future does not have to be a repeat of the past. Even if you couldn't let her help you in the past, that doesn't mean that you can't let her help you in the future. These kinds of things take forever and are incredibly difficult. But issues like this *DO* change with therapy. It is not hopeless.
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> She said that she'll *be there* and that I might try to think of this as a temporary break. I can come back anytime and I shouldn't think that calling her makes me weak or a failure. She said she'll miss me and that she felt close to me and that she cares about me. I should *hold* that if I can.
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> What I'm holding is that I am so emotionally inferior that I couldn't let someone who cared about me get closer to me. I had to run away.*** You are not emotionally inferior. Perhaps, like me, your parents weren't really good about teaching you emotional skills. That doesn't mean that we are inferior - it just means that we need some education and some practice. Like I said above, the game is not over - there is still a lot of "future" left. There *IS* hope in the future.
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> I thought quiting was the answer. Now, a few hours later, I'm not so sure. I'm trying to give it time, the tears will stop flowing, but I've made so many wrong decisions in my life. Is this just another one?
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> Poet
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*** I would encourage you to have at least one more session with her. Maybe wait a week or two (how often were you going?). Talk to us a bit.*** I'm worried about how badly you are feeling right now, and that you will lose the little support that you have by leaving therapy.
*** "They" keep telling me that I can't fail therapy. Of course, in my case, they are wrong - I will find a way to fail therapy. But I'm quite certain that in your case, they are right. You aren't failing therapy. You are working hard on a very hard problem. If you choose to leave therapy, then do so for some other reason - not because *you* are failing. Perhaps you need a different kind of therapy (remember that if therapy isn't helping, it is the *therapy's* fault)? I did change kinds of therapy (CBT to Psychodynamic), and it really was helpful to do that.
*** Don't give up on yourself. She isn't giving up on you. Your pdoc isn't giving up on you. I'm not giving up on you.
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poster:fallsfall
thread:400053
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041002/msgs/400418.html