Posted by DaisyM on September 21, 2004, at 23:29:13
In reply to Are you better today Daisy? (nm), posted by antigua on September 21, 2004, at 7:17:18
First let me say "thank you!" to you guys for all the support and encouragement last night, both here and in Open. It is another one of those times I thought, "what do people do who can't log on and find friends and support? Because who in IRL do you tell this stuff to?"
I obsessed all night and this morning trying to pinpoint what happened for me. I wrote pages and pages in my journal and sent long emails. I guess what I settled on was that I was overreacting but I just didn't understand myself at all.
When I went in, he jumped right in with "I know this is hard for you. You are so use to figuring it all out on your own but I want us to sort it through together." I said I didn't know whether I wanted him to go first or me, because I wasn't sure I could finish sentences at the moment. So he went back through what he remembered we were talking about and what I told him on the phone last night. He said he thought I felt like he didn't think our session last Thursday was a big deal. And he said he understood why I would feel hurt about that. But that he did think it was a big deal, etc. etc. I think what we also figured out was that some parts of me want to feel special to him, to know that he would save them. And other parts of me are terrified to want that. It is all very complicated and I'm having a really hard time understanding why I'm reacting so strongly. I said it last night...I KNOW I'm "only" a client. This isn't a crushing realization.
The hardest question he asked me was "what did you feel like you were before you felt like just a client?" I couldn't answer that. I told him I didn't think I had any fantasies about him, like him saving me or making it all magically better. He said, very gently, "Maybe the younger parts of you do?" I'll have to think about that, because I'm not consciously aware that they do.
He gave me the speech about how the therapeutic relationship is a strange one, consigned by rules and boundaries, but that it is real. He does care and he does take me with him after sessions, and worry about me and think about how we could make progress. And that it effected him as much as me when I felt hurt. And he asked me if I could try very hard to not be cautious with him and he would do the same. That we needed to keep working on understanding what happened, and why. And that I need to try not to pull in and/or run when things get rocky because he thinks that we have a strong enough relationship to survive almost anything. He also wanted to know what I needed from him to repair things. I don't know. I feel better today, I think it is just going to take a little while for me to put this completely away. I'm open to suggestions...
poster:DaisyM
thread:391998
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040918/msgs/393532.html