Posted by crushedout on August 26, 2004, at 21:00:52
So much for me finally being free of the transference. I mean, I guess there has been significant, important changes and I should try not to forget that. But I feel like I've been backsliding since I last posted about this stuff.I told my T this today. I told her about the progress I thought I'd made recently and how I feel like I'm losing my grip on that progress (I've started thinking, fantasizing about her more and more, at extremely inopportune times, such as when I'm with my boyfriend), and other stuff that feels unhealthy for me). I said I thought it was really important for us to address this issue.
So, she asked me what's helped me in the past. And I was like, "Nothing, really, except for when you got mad at me and did bad therapy." I told her then I started dreading seeing her, which was on many levels a huge relief, and that I lost a lot of respect for her and it felt like a dose of reality, basically I realized that I probably didn't really want what I thought I wanted with her.
This was all very awkward to discuss with her. I'm not sure it'll do me any good. At the end of it all, I just felt like I was in love with her all over again. She handled it so well. Very professionally. She won some of my respect back. Which sucks. I liked not respecting her better. Now I'm really depressed.
Argh. It's very confusing, this whole mess. I was also feeling like I was in a place where I might be able to terminate with her, and now I feel back where I was -- hopelessly stuck with her no matter how unhelpful she may be. (And it's possible that she is helpful, it's just impossible for me to tell since I am stuck to her like glue. It's all possible she's a complete wretch of a therapist.)
Thoughts? Love? Support? Disappointment? Insults?
poster:crushedout
thread:382702
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040821/msgs/382702.html