Posted by Susan47 on August 23, 2004, at 11:50:24
In reply to Re: Boundary Stuff » Susan47, posted by Rigby on August 23, 2004, at 10:58:49
I felt like he'd violated my trust when I saw him looking that way; however I could never tell him that, and part of me wanted to respond to what I was interpreting, and it did. But when I told him that and he actually seemed happy about it, I totally shut down. I became paranoid, schizo, anxious. Afraid. Distrustful. But I couldn't stop seeing him, I needed his unconditional positive regard. So I think subconsciously, I decided I could make him (a) see me as a person, not an object (at this point I'd decided he does this to every female who walks into his office), and (b) if he ended up disliking me in the process, so be it.
I worked really hard at making myself unlikable. I phoned his f***ing answering machine sometimes 30 times a day, every time I thought I had an insight. I worked really hard on getting insights, too, so I wouldn't need him anymore.
I mean, here was this beautiful person who saw me as a *thing*! I'm a person too, just like you, look into my *eyes*!
It was so so hard. I remember once when I was making a call to his machine, someone said "Leave that poor man alone" and my reply was "He deserves it!". I really felt that way. I really wanted him to learn to care about *me* not my physical appearance. Although I understand that my physical appearance showed signs of my mental life too. Ah. This gets so complicated. But I know I've got it figured properly, at least so far as my own motivations were concerned.
poster:Susan47
thread:379952
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040821/msgs/381248.html