Posted by Racer on July 25, 2004, at 13:43:48
In reply to Racer, help me here!, posted by daisym on July 24, 2004, at 18:13:19
LoL! Flip-flops, sure -- but rhinestone studded flip-flops!
Esse quam videri -- the Northern California State Motto: to be rather than to seem.
As for dramatic language, that's a hot button for me, too. I come by it honestly, but I'm also very, very sensitive to doing it, and very insecure about it.
Lemme take those in parts:
How did I come by it? Well, my mother was born on a different planet... Racer's Mom does not believe in the germ theory of disease -- all disease is caused by bad character, and a child's illness reflects badly on her parent. Therefore, any complaints of ill-health must be psychological in origin (someone tell me how that's better?), and Little Racer experienced a fair amount of trouble convincing anyone she was not feeling well. Oh, yeah, and got to hear she was a hypochondriac throughout childhood, too. I went to school with mumps -- school nurse called my mother to come get me, and scolded her for sending me to school that way, too. Mother was quite upset by that, since she really didn't believe there was anything wrong with me, and embarrassed to have someone think she might not have been a good enough mother. I got chicken pox at summer camp -- the camp called my mother, but decided to keep me there after talking to her. I was six, so I don't know what happened, but I think they decided that it was safest for me to stay with them, rather than trust me to my mother when I was sick. Can't remember their names, but remember their faces quite well. Bless them for that kindness. Nearly died at 13 from a raging infection that interfered with my ability to breathe. Survived because I managed to get myself to the hospital on the bus -- barely -- and they had to wait to admit me until my mother showed up to give permission.
So, I come by it honestly. Saying, "I'm not feeling so well" didn't provoke anything beyond criticism. Saying, "I think I'm going to die" would sometimes get some sort of response...
My sensitivity comes from two things: one is growing up with a lot of non-native English speakers, who tended to explore language a lot -- and criticise careless children on the subject. Saying, "Oh, this headache is unbearable" would just make it worse, since someone was sure to jump in with some variation on 'and yet you are bearing it...' I learned to be very careful in the words I chose to describe my experiences in the world.
But I also got a lot of criticism for being melodramatic, so I tend to understate my distress most of the time -- until I hit critical mass and grossly overstate it. (Frankly, that's also the case of my depressive symptoms -- I'll go from moderate depression to actively suicidal without much in between. I think it's the same mechanism being expressed in different ways.) And the criticism is so deeply internalized that I feel overwhelmed by shame as soon as something comes out of my mouth that I recognize as an overstatement -- even in situations where I know that my more moderated statements of distress have been ignored, and this is the only way I can draw attention to my *needs*.
(Heheheh, this came up a lot with The Nightmare Therapist From Hell a few months ago -- saying anything in a moderate manner got no response whatsoever, so I'd get to hysterics to try to get a point across -- only to have her idiotic, "oh, that's just not right, dear" response to my choice of words rather than the content. Machts nichts -- I still feel ashamed that I overstated reality, even though I *know* she was Not A Good Therapist For Me.)
I think there has to be a balance. Yes, "hate" is a strong word. Love and Hate are words that I am very careful about using -- I think that's the language thing, though, rather than the psychological thing -- but pouncing on the word and not the meaning behind the statement is not *always* the most helpful response. Sometimes, of course, it can be, as in Gardenergirl's comments. The trick, for the therapist, is recognizing the difference between when the surface is most important, and when the meaning is most important. And not being married to either mode of response, but being able to move between them.
I guess that's my latest soapbox about therapy: Therapists Should Be Able To Be Flexible, In Order To Respond To The Patient Before Them. Match the techniques to the patient, and the patient's immediate level of functioning, rather than trying to force the patient to match the technique.
OK. Done ranting for now. And Daisy and I are heading for Home Depot tomorrow, to buy up a bunch of potting soil. We're going to build us an island, and secede from the state until Ah-nold admits that this has all been a new reality TV show. We'll have to remember to get a long extension cord, though -- so we can bring our computers and curling irons.
poster:Racer
thread:369475
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040723/msgs/370331.html