Posted by B2chica on July 7, 2004, at 11:20:19
In reply to Checking in, posted by gardenergirl on July 7, 2004, at 8:10:45
Thank You for caring GG.
i'm better and worse.
i had an ok weekend-"just ok" mostly cuz ALL the people. 6 spent the night but luckily my husband took them out for a couple hours monday and that gave me some "down" time. i curled up in bed and just layed there thinking of my friday session.
-i LOVED the fireworks. we had them going off all around us it felt like we were in a battle field...(kinda like i feel inside with myself)so it was comforting. then there was a 300 missle bty (the kind that scream out one by one then gradually all shoot off together...they were SCREAMING so loud i leaned back and smiled! They were doing what i wanted to do, i was screaming inside...they were SO LOUD!!! i felt like it was me now...screaming for what happened, screaming about my session, about how long i've waited, about the fear of the "now what"...just everything! it was so very cathartic.the session friday was hard but i didn't take my eyes off the little object my friend gave me i sat with my knees to my chin and held my legs tight and said it all...step by step.
-I'm glad i did. I had my session this morning. it was ok i guess. he started off by talking about it and all i wanted to do was change the subject. he wanted to know what i would have done differently if i could have...i started rambling on about 100 different things, one of them was saying different things some to the guy but some to my friend, he wanted to role play he was my friend and it did something wierd to me. i felt wierd like i wanted to scream ABSOLUTELY NOT!! i felt mad and hurt or something, like i DID NOT want to go back there...ya that's it...i just didn't want to go back to that situation. (thanks, i'll have to remember to tell him that cuz he asked me what i was thinking at that point when i started to shut down and i didn't know how to explain it).Sorry my responses always end up being Books.
but one more thing...after last friday he started to talk about my cutting and how to stop it, and it felt like (well he's done his job getting that out now let's stop the cutting and we'll be through) so i didn't/couldn't tell him there's so much more. well today when he KEPT DWELLING on my stopping cutting i told him i STILL wasn't going to stop and he kept kind of pushing so i said it, i said I'll stop cutting if you can tell me how to stop all these visuals. there was a long pause and he asked are they of what we've already talked about or things you haven't said yet. I was already starting to shut down cuz i thought i said too much and just sat there, but saved by the bell my time was up so he asked when he see's me again and i got up and said next tues.
and we were done.but i was reading daisy's disucssions up above and shadows made some comments that set me off this morning and i read that and just started bawling...the part about the visuals/flashbacks. i NEED to stop them...i CAN'T live like this, i can handle life for now like this but if i know i'll life the rest of my life with these SICK visuals poping up a couple times each day i'll take my life right now cuz this is NOT an option for me.
but my next appt. is next tues, so i guess this is where i say...stay tuned for next week's edition of...the pathetic and untrusting, Sponsored by: Nobody cares.
(but you have shown you care and i am VERY grateful for that. thank you GG-you are fantastic.)
Enough about my woes, how are you? did you ever get a new car?b2c.
poster:B2chica
thread:362707
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040703/msgs/363719.html