Posted by Angel Girl on May 18, 2004, at 4:23:38
In reply to Re: shared experiences....thanx » Angel Girl, posted by B2chica on May 15, 2004, at 18:23:11
> AG
> about friends...i have two friends at work that i know are good friends and would help me out/have helped me out when needed. But then there are times that i think, they don't Really know, they don't Really care...i feel so alone, and don't want to "pull" them into my...stuff...
> -then a couple days later the fog lifts and i realize it was me saying this, not them...maybe it's a sideways paranoia but it's there none the less. Sometimes i feel closer to the people here at babble than anyone else.
> And like your friends said, maybe that's what we need right now.
>I'm not working right now and haven't since October 2001. I'm on long term disability from work. I have friends at work but I don't associate with them outside of the workplace. There are two girls there that will try to comfort me if I start to cry but most people don't understand it at all. They think it something that you can 'snap out of' or tell me that I have nothing to be depressed about and just stop thinking about things. I wish it was that easy. I just avoid talking about my issues at work. I keep it secret for the most part. They know I'm depressed but they don't know how deep that it can go, that I've been suicidal in the past (with several attempts) and that I have a chemical imbalance. Gosh, if they saw the line up of meds I have in my bathroom, I'm sure they would faint from the shock.
> Abandonment is your issue, mine is betrayal so i understand...it's just something we've learned to expect, i guess that's why i don't always let friends in or why i assume they don't REALLY know. i can't let them get that close cuz it hurts that much more when the time comes. The only advice i can add here is that i think if you can you should really try to see a psychologist (therapist) for your abandonment suffering. i'm new to this process but i know i can't live forever like this...it's killing me inside and i know i need help. So if you feel even 1/8th of the pain/hurt i feel Please look for help.
>I also have betrayal issues. I also over analyze everything to death and focus on one particular thing in an e-mail that might be negative. I've often been criticized for doing that, I know they're right but I can't seem to stop, I do it all the time. I'm still dealing with something that a girl that I 'thought' was my best friend said to me a couple of weeks ago. I haven't talked with her since. I'm really starting to get to the point of letting go of any friends I have that are not on this board or who I haven't met here. I've had a very hard time getting to that point but I think now I don't have any choice. I can't deal with anymore people who are going to walk in and out of my life like it's a revolving door and leave me in an emotional mess afterwards. I just can't relate to so-called 'normal' people, whatever that is. But like I said, I only have internet friends. I'm extremely shy and it's not easy for me to make friends and I NEVER go out. I feel like my apartment is my 'comfort zone'. My family keeps trying to get me to go out but I won't. I only go out when I'm forced to have to go to the bank, grocery shopping and doctor appointments. Other than that, I NEVER leave my 'comfort zone'. I'd be happy if somebody else could do all those things for me and I never had to go out but that's not realistic. My family says I live like a hermit and I know they're right but I'm happy with it even though they're not. I'm looking for a therapist now. I used to have one but I dumped her. She was too agressive for me, kind of the Dr Phil approach. I can't handle that. I need somebody who is compassionate and gentle. I'm not saying that they should be telling me everything I'm doing is right because I know that it's not. I just think there are different styles of getting through to different people. She admitted that she was hard on me and I always felt intimidated and that she was working for everybody else instead of helping me. She was always putting me down. I don't think that is the way to do therapy. At least not for me. When looking this time, I will ask them on the phone what style they use because there is no point of taking it any further if they are going to be the same as her.
> >> I agree with what you are saying about God but to my knowledge isn't BPII a chemical imbalance that we are born with? If so, then this is the way he created me.
>
> -sorry but when i read this my first reaction was a chuckle and the words "smart @$$" came to mind...but yes, this is the way we were created. and to be completely honest i would not trade being bipolar2 for ANYTHING in the world. Through even the worst depression and the worst mania, i love the life that i've been able to experience because of my extreme emotions. I realize this is just IMHO, but it's how i personally feel.
>Unlike you, I HATE being like this, especially when I was what I call being in 'the black hole' and extremely suicidal. I hate being unhappy all the time. I don't even know what it's like to be happy anymore. I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of people hurting me, the betrayal, the abandonment and also others not understanding me. I just wish 'normal' people would all go away and leave me alone. I don't want to be with them or talk with them. They criticize me too much and tell me to not blame my actions on being BP, even though I don't even bring it up, and then they tell me that they need a 'break' from me. What kind of friend is that???
> > <quote>
> > >...shamful for even wanting to talk about my SO CALLED (pathetic excuse for) PROBLEMS. <end quote>
> >
> > Although I agree totally with that, I still feel the guilt. I can't help but to feel like my problems are so small compared to what others have dealt with.
>
> i can't express enough how exactly i feel like this. The bad part is i rock back and forth. At times i'm balled up in bed crying/screaming that i can't take the memories anymore and i need to tell Someone, that i will start talking to my T at the next visit, then by the time i go to my appt. i've all but talked myself out of it by the above self conversation of how trivial mine are and i'm selfish for even thinking anyone would care...guilt, guilt...etc. etc...
>Me too. It would be so much better if you could talk with your therapist when you're in the midst of your pain. Do you journal? I don't but I've been advised to.
> > I strongly believe that unless you're experiencing any kind of mental disorder, you truly can't understand what the person is going through no matter how hard you try.
>
> -i used to think that my one "gift" in life was that i could truly empathize with others, i could infact really understand each persons pains and distraught, partially because of my life expereiences (i was off and on suicidal growing up...now i know why). But when my depression hit new levels, once i came above water again i realized that NO ONE unless they've experienced that could EVER understand. So maybe this is just one more reason Bipolar is a Dx in my life. Maybe...just maybe my experiences may help one more person seek out help or be a little less judgemental? who knows.
>I'm also BP and I feel the same way, that I can empathize with others that are suffering emotionally. It's like I can feel their pain, like it's mine. It tears me apart to see others suffer. I can't stand it. I'll even cry for them, I totally internalize it. I want to make it all better for them but I know that I can't. I can maybe offer some advice that is half way intelligent or just be there for them. Sometimes that's all we need, somebody to sit there and just listen and maybe throw in a hug.
> And (((((Angel Girl))))), right back at you. you made my day with that cyber hug...i'm REALLY needing it this weekend.
> Thank you.
> B2c.
>
>
> > {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{b2c}}}}}}}}}}}
> > Angel Girl
>
> >I'm glad you felt the hug and thanks for sending one my way. Are you going to have to do something this weekend that you are dreading?Thanks,
Angel Girl
>
poster:Angel Girl
thread:344489
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040512/msgs/348060.html